Jennifer from New York City asks:
"I've been with my boyfriend for four years. After three years together, he asks me to move in with him. I accepted because I loved him, I still do, and I thought this would lead to marriage. When I first moved in all he could talk about was getting married and starting a family. It's been almost a year (I moved in March 17, 2009) and he still hasn't popped the question. Normally I wouldn't think anything of it, because we are both still in school, but I just found some papers showing his financial set backs. Two months before I moved in he received an eviction notice for failure to pay rent. He also had many unpaid bills and a notice that his gas would be turned off around the time I moved in. I know that some couples move in together for financial reasons, but finances were never discussed when he asked me to move in. I can't help but wonder did he only ask me to move in to help him out financially? Does he really love me? I mean would have helped him out in any way I could if he had told me, but he never did.
I'm lost. Now every time I look at him, I question his real intentions. He hasn't even mentioned marriage in the past few months. Should I ask him about it? We're usually very open with each other, should I tell him how I feel?"
Okay first of all let me ask you, how did you find these documents? We're you snooping? If so shame on you! What the hell is your problem? How would you like it if your boyfriend went snooping around in your things and found your skeletons? I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like it one bit. Maybe he didn't tell you because he knew your nosy ass would find out anyway. So here's the first thing you need to do, MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS. The only time you should be snooping around in someone else's shit is if you feel your life is in danger. However, this raises a question. Why were you really searching? Are you the jealous type?
Second, why are people so frantic to get married? If you are still in school, I seriously doubt you need to be thinking about getting married. All the planning hoopla would take away from your concentration. You said he's having financial problems, so maybe he's just waiting to get things situated before he asks you. I read somewhere, that men like to make sure they can provide before they make this decision. And maybe he's not talking about it because he's embarrassed that he can't provide for you yet. Besides, how much does he have to talk about it for you to feel satisfied? I don't know maybe it's me, but if I was with a guy that could only talk about marriage then I would run for the hills. Like I said maybe it's just me...
Does he really love you? I'm not sure, because I don't know him. However, if your boyfriend is anything like me, then he bores easily. It seriously takes something or someone pretty darn special to hold my attention, especially for 4-5 years, but the way you mentioned "finding" his stuff sounds like there was a little change in his character that made you think hmmm.
Another thing I want you to do is notice what you're doing. You could be doing something or showing some behavior that is making him think twice about you. You say you love him, then do this one thing. If you find an error in your character, think about how you would feel if he was doing that to you.
So here's my advice, approach him about his behavior. Just ask him what's up and read his body language. He could be hiding something, but there are other ways to find out than going through his things. Don't go into the situation like a crazy and deranged woman, approach him like a friend. Communicate! You're not "very open with each other" if you have to go through his things. I'm not saying talk his ear off, but let him know, hey I've noticed some changes and if there's anything you want to tell me just let me know. He might not open up at first, and that's okay don't press the issue. If he doesn't open up after a while and you still feel that's he's hiding something, then move on. Maybe he's not the guy for you. I know it will be hard, but look at it as an opportunity for the right man to come into your life.
got a question? email me
got a question? email me
