Thursday, February 17, 2011


I don't like my father very much. When I was little, he wasn't a very nice man. I have never willingly told my father I loved him. In fact, I have never called him my Dad, Daddy, Pop, or any other name children use in reference to a real father. To be honest, I've never wanted to. 

Growing up, I was pretty much forced to spend every other weekend with him. During this time I experienced physical, verbal, and mental abuse from him that have left wounds that won't heal. It wasn't until after a pointless argument, which ended with him pulling over on the side of an expressway and choking me, that I was given the option of never having to spend time with him again; an opportunity that I gladly jumped at. 

Shortly after I decided to shut myself off from him, I realized that not speaking to him meant that I probably wouldn't speak to half of my family; which also included my little brother and an aunt that I absolutely adored. I swallowed my pride, and chose to forgive and forget. However, I soon realized that although some years had passed, nothing had changed. 

It had been years since that last meeting. I am no longer 17 years old, and he claims to be "saved" (whatever that means). 

This past Monday, the aunt that I once adored passed away. In trying to find out information about her funeral, my father contacted me (via text) and gave me the info that I was seeking. I know how he got my number. Although I'm grateful I have the information for my aunt's funeral, I'm irritated that he was given my information without my permission. But whatever, I'll get over.

However, I'm still angry about the broken promises and everything else that happed all those years ago. I know I should let it go, but I just can't. I'm nervous about seeing him again on Monday because I just know I'm going to say something that I've kept inside for a long time. 

I know that he has been through a lot lately, but I could honestly care less. I also don't care to share details of my life with him. I feel only the people who are actively participating in this thing with me should know what I am and have been doing. As far as I'm concerned, everyone else could fuck off.

This is going to be interesting. I just hope that I can control my emotions this upcoming Monday. Although the day itself is far bigger than he and I, there are just some feelings that just refuse to go away.