What A Salty Piece Of Shit!

I don't care that I went to go see SALT for free, I want a refund! 

From the beginning of the film, SALT was a slap in the face to summer movie -goers and lovers. I, not even for a minute, believed that any of the tomfoolery laced action on the big screen could have actually happened in real life.

And I know what you're thinking (yes I can read minds), you just don't like Angelina Jolie. Nope, you're wrong. I love Angelina Jolie. I've been a fan since Gia and Girl Interrupted. I have never once gave a damn about the whole Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie vs. The Chin. I have always been Team Angelina, but this is making me think twice. 

It seems to me that maybe the media is over-hyping Ms. Jolie and trying to force feed the bad-ass persona she once had, down our throats to make us forget what might or might not have happened in the past. I'm sick of it. Enough! Enough with the bad ass roles! No more gun slinging, tattooed "tough girl" exterior, and movie kung-fu. I've had it!

Ms. Jolie is 35 years old. Let her do some 35 year old woman shit and leave the bad movies to someone like Megan Fox, who is young and dumb and the perfect actress for movies without substance.

Now I'm not one to spoil a film so there will be no examples as to why I thought the movie was bad. I just wanted to state my opinion and it leave up to my loyal legion to make up their mind as to if they want to go see it or not. 

My rating for this movie is 2 and 1/2 stars out of 5 stars. I'm giving the movie such a high rating because it isn't completely helpless. It does star one of my favorite actors Chiwetel Ejiofor, and there were times when I find myself smiling. One of them being when Ms. Jolie's character FINALLY got rid of that awful blonde hair. 

Yes Abigail, they all pooped

Everyone in the "business" has to start off somewhere and that somewhere is usually some lame ass commercial, tv show, or some dumb made-for-tv movie. A gallery at The Frisky is dedicated to those dumb celebrity starts. The one that stuck out to me is the one with little Abigail Breslin giving away a little bit too much information about herself in a Toys R Us commercial from 1999. She so cute, but if I were her Mom I would have had to ask her to shut it until we got home. Not every one likes to think or hear about poop no matter how cute the person telling the poop story is. But why am I complaining? Clearly people liked her poop story since she ended up in a movie with Gerry Butler. Jealous...Maybe I should start telling people how regular I am since becoming a veg head and then I'll be considered one of People Magazine's Most Beautiful...yeah, maybe. 

Also included in this gallery: Samuel L. Jackson, Jessica Alba, Leonardo DiCaprio, Fergie, and The Chin (jump for joy!)

The rest of the shenanigans are here

YAWN!

A preview for the new movie The Bounty Hunter came on while I was blogging the last post. I watched the clip and stared into space for a moment because I didn't get it. I know that the trailer isn't supposed to give away too much of the movie, but I would like to know a little bit more than what is being shown. Okay so some dude (Gerard Butler) is a bounty hunter and he is given an assignment to go pick up his ex (Jennifer Chiniston) and they go on this crazy cat and mouse chase which leads to The Chin being chained to a bed and sitting on top The Butler in a sexually suggestive way...rrrriiiiiiggghhht I don't get it. At least I know what I won't be doing this weekend.

I just can't do this today

Okay so some woman is claiming that Jesse James has been slaying her for 11 months. She is also saying that he told her that he was leaving his wife. Okay...so anyone with half a brain would have known if Jesse James and Sandra Bullock were splitting up. It would have been all over the news and I'm sure the media would have tried to christen her the new Jennifer Chiniston. So I'm pretty sure this woman wants us to believe that she was living under a rock with occasional visits from Jesse James' paynus. I don't know about you, but I'm not buying it. I mean it's Sandra Bullock! Don't you know that Sandra kills people? Oh sure she's America's sweetheart, but the girl is German! Killing silly hoes is in her blood. Don't get it twisted.

I stopped reading the article after I read something about them meeting on FACEBOOK (really!) and  Jesse James being a "Vanilla Gorilla" because of the size of his donkey kong. It made me a little sick and I threw up in my mouth a little. I'll recover but the thought of Sandra Bullock having hot monkey sex is disturbing and will never go away. The mental images just won't stop! Gross...I really hope this isn't true.

*update* I was able to get through the rest of the article and the rumor is the "Vanilla Gorilla" is anti-condoms. I'm officially at a loss of words. I am PRAYING that this isn't true.

The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien is Officially Dead

 June 1, 2009 - 

January 22, 2010

The Tonight Show is officially the laughing stock of my bedroom. Conan "The Little Red Head That Could" O'Brien, is no longer going to be NBC's scapegoat. He took a stand, got a whole bunch of money that I would never see in one lifetime, and quit this bitch. 

I once had tickets to see Conan do his thing, while I was living in LA. However, I spent way too much time accessorizing and showed up late for the taping. I was put on stand-by and never went back. I moved back home shortly after. I really upset that I was never able to see Conan, but I'm almost sure this isn't the last of him. 

As for The Tonight Show with The Chin? I had enough of him and that pre-pubescent laughter five years ago. I won't be watching that tomfoolery. I'm officially a Letterman fan. His last scandal (while disgusting and wrong on so many levels) was like a hug from Baby Jesus. I instantly liked Letterman when he admitted to being a dirty old douche bag. America doesn't need free health care, an honest talk show host will do just fine. 

Who knows? This could be the one thing that Conan needs to take over the world. With Oprah stepping down, I need a new hero. 

The name Conan is already getting a face lift. Two faces will come to mind when someone mentions the name to me. This one:

And this one:

And this one:

And this one. And this one. And this one!!!!!!!!!

Okay I had a little moment, but Jason Momoa (The Hot Bitch above) has just been cast as Conan the Barbarian in a remake of the old school Arnold Schwarzenegro movie Conan the Barbarian. Some people might know Jason from nerd porn Stargate: Atlantis, or as Lisa Bonet's hot piece, but I remember him from that dumbass Johnson's Family Vacation movie that my aunt drug me to go see. I damn near went into a coma until Jason showed up on the screen. My lady parts immediately fell in love...

Back to Conan O'Brien: 
I will miss seeing him on the tele while he's gone. I hope he makes it back soon. 

My favorite Conan moments:

And this one!

Dlisted just raised my blood pressure

After browsing the internet, I realized that I hadn't stopped at my favorite gossip website Dlisted. I went over there and damn near had a heart attack when I saw this:

Why the hell is Chinifer trying to show my man, Gerard Butler, her second hand lady parts? Not only is this photo offensive, but I can almost see her no-no region. She clearly had one too many drinks since finally realizing that none of her movies are as good as Leprechaun. Bitch needs to step her game up or back the hell up!

*Sigh* Where is my trusty tranny when I need he/she/it?

Rebirth: The Beard

Once every blue moon I would like to talk about a rebirth. I know I should use the word renaissance, but that's too formal and I tend to not give a damn.

So today my rebirth would be on The Beard.

Recently, there has been an influx of beards on the red carpets of Hollywood. The best I've seen so far is Jon Hamm from the show Mad Men.


Now my mom loves this show. I hate it and here's why:
Around the time (and don't worry I'll get to my original point in a second) the show promoting for its first season, the only promo ad was a series of scenes from the show along with the song You Know I'm No Good by Amy Winehouse. So now no matter when I see Jon Hamm I hear boom boom boom ba boom. Every time. Every single time. I hate it!

Although Jon looks damn good with his beard, there are always the whiny people out there that just don't want to accept the fact that men have hair that grow out of their faces. These are also the people that complain about Conan's hair.

Speaking of Conan, does anyone else remember when he grew a beard for the writer's strike? He looked damn good! I tuned in every night to see Conan transform from my 14 year old bratty lab partner into a man. I swear Conan's ratings would have been a lot higher if he had the beard. Maybe Jay could grow one to hide that damn chin. Quick who would win in the battle of the chin: Jay Leno or Jennifer Aniston?

Back to beards.

I think the world is still in shock over that Brad Pitt beard.



That thing had no shape, no form, and no purpose. He claimed it was for a movie role, but I'm almost sure he had already done 12 Monkeys. However, if my lady parts liked Brad Pitt I'm sure I would have still been in mourning, but I liked the beard. So hip hip hooray for the beard. Welcome to your rebirth.

My Favorite Beards of all time: