Thursday, May 26, 2011

That Time My Mother Told Me To Sit Still While A Spider Wanted To Eat Me

It was summer time 1996. I was 8 years old, and I'm almost positive this is the experience that started my arachnophobia. Some way some how a spider had gotten into my mother's red cavalier (you know the one that everyone seemed to have in the mid to late 90s). And if my memory serves me correctly, I told my mother the night before that I had seen a spider in the car, but her being her...DIDN'T BELIEVE ME. 

The next day I had completely forgotten about the spider I saw the previous night. I was more focused on summer camp and who I was going to sit next to during the field trip to Discovery Zone (Side noteplease tell me you remember Discovery Zone!!!). I fastened my seat belt and began to roll down my window when I noticed the spider I'd seen the night before just chillaxing on the handle. 

I, of course, screamed at the top of my lungs to which my mother probably replied, "Girl, what's wrong with you?" I told her that there was a spider in the car and I proceeded to jump into the back seat. I then sat behind the driver's seat and tried to fasten my seat belt again only to notice that the spider had followed me to the backseat. 

I didn't know what to do but scream, to which my mother replied "Can you please stop screaming? Just sit in the front seat." 

Duh! Why didn't I think of that? 

So that's what I did. I climbed back into the passenger seat. Again, I tried to fasten my seat belt and was met with the creepy little eyes of a big ass spider. I screamed again, but this time instead of climbing back into the back seat, I thought it would be okay to sit on my mother's lap while she drove. 

Hell, summer camp was only a few blocks away and we were almost there. I was sure I could sit in her lap for one more block, but my mother wasn't feeling it. She told me to sit in the back seat and sit still until we got to camp. I pleaded with her, but it didn't work. So I did what she told me to do. I sat back in the back seat...AGAIN!

However, this time I didn't fasten my seatbelt. I thought that maybe the spider saw me as an easy target since I was being strapped down by the belt. I also thought that if I didn't fasten my seatbelt, it would make it easier to escape just in case the spider planned a surprise attack. I sat still and cried until we reached our destination, but  DAMNIT! We were stuck at a red light. However, I know my mother loved it. Ever since I was born she lived to torture me.

I think the spider knew that this was the perfect moment to come after me because I was obeying my mother and crying. The tears were blocking my view of the spider and I was so worried about my mother being so damn mean that I didn't think to look over at it. However, when I finally did look over at the spider I saw that it was closer to me than it had ever gotten before. This time, instead of screaming, I jumped in the front seat and curled up into a little ball.

As before, the spider was coming back to me AGAIN, so I inched over. I inched more and more until I was practically in my mother's lap again. It was also then that I realized that red lights are entirely way too long.

I didn't care how much my mother protested and told me that I was going to make her crash. If we were going to crash then that spider was going to crash too, but we didn't. The light finally turned green and the car was finally able to make that left turn into the parking lot. 

My mother and I must have been on the road all of five minutes, but it felt like an eternity. It definitely felt longer when my mother screamed that since I was blocking the gear shift that she couldn't park the car.
And I wondered: who told her she had to put the car in park? She could have just slowed down and let me jump out of the car, since she wasn't the one in danger and didn't seem to be bothered by the spider. However, she insisted on parking the car and walking me into the summer camp. Whatever!!!

So in order to let this woman park, I had sit back in the passenger seat, next to the waiting spider. I remember looking at that thing and seeing its evil little grin as I lowered myself into the seat. I could have just about passed out right then and there, but my mother finally parked the car. I'm not sure if my mother had the key out of the ignition before I flew out of the car, but I do remember banging my knee up pretty bad as I hit the ground on the way out. 

For as long as I live, I will never let my mother forget the time she almost got me eaten by a spider. When I told her I was writing about it, she kind of rolled her eyes and said she vaguely remembered the incident.

Of course parents don't remember the times when they mess you up for life. They only remember the times when you did something, said something, went somewhere that they didn't approve of. I have plenty of "MY MOTHER ALMOST KILLED ME" stories, but I'll reveal them slowly. I don't the Loyal Legion to think that I was abused as a child. I wasn't, but I was definitely scarred.

P.S. I tried to find a picture of the spider, since its image is forever embedded in my memory, but when I searched for pics of spiders it was all too creepy. I can't look at those nasty things. They make me itch. Just know that the spider that tried to eat me was about the size of the coin with JFK on it. It was also yellow, black, and red. Nasty little things...