I was at work one day when a girl walked past me. I see this girl all the time, but for some reason it was on this day that I decided to really look at her. I noticed that she was a pretty girl, but her face was covered up with so many layers of makeup it was hard to determine if it was really her face I thought was pretty or something she just sort of created. I also noticed that she was tall with a very nice figure. It was obvious that she wanted people to notice her figure by the way she dressed (she actually wears 3in heels to work), and by the way she walked as if she were some kind of modern day Mae West.
Any other day I would see this type of behavior as ridiculous, but that day I was jealous. You see, this guy I had a crush on always watched her. In fact, I think it was the highlight of his day to watch her faux-sultry walk and her extensions as they went by. And there I was with little to no makeup and my short shit stance just waiting for him to look my way. Of course I was jealous... it could have been a goat that walked by, I would have been just as jealous of that goat if he looked at it like he looked at her.
It was the end of my shift, so I had to head to the elevator to go home. I waited there at the closed elevator doors for what seemed like forever. Forever got even longer when I heard her foot steps behind me. I looked in her direction and there she was Mae-Westing her ass toward me while texting. This time I noticed she had on sunglasses...inside...sunglasses inside. Ridiculous, but anyway, she sashayed her hips from east to Mae West (PUN!) and played with her hair like there was some kind of invisible wind machine that turned this mediocre situation into some high fashion editorial piece.
Although my crush was now nowhere in sight, I still felt incredibly invisible. How could I compete with someone who mastered the art of walking and texting? Anyone who knows me personally knows that the only thing I could ever do while walking is breathe. I can barely change the music on my iPod without tripping, and if you send me a text while I'm walking you might receive 'OK' as a response regardless of the statement or question being asked.
So what was it about this moment that had to be blogged? Well there I was feeling low when she walked past me. Now let me remind you: I'm standing facing the elevators. Then *BAM* this MTV House of Style reject walks face first into the elevator doors. She flips out. She curses. She looks at me then back to the elevator doors as if we plotted the entire scenario together. With her makeup all smeared she says to me, "Weren't these doors just open?"
I could have died. Never in my 24 years on this Earth could I see that one coming. It was like Christmas, New Years, and my 21st birthday all rolled into one. Simply epic.
How can the fairy collective surprise the sin? There was no one there to witness this moment. I was a little bummed because whenever I trip, fall, or make an ass out of myself there is always someone there to document it and store in their memory bank. Of course! Right? But whatever, this made me happy. In fact, every time I see her I have to smile; because after all the makeup and the glamour she will always be the girl who walks into closed elevator doors.
I woke up craving a little Viggo Mortensen in my life. I love him as an actor and he's not so bad to look at. So, needing a little Viggo every once in a while isn't a guilty pleasure it's a necessity.
I went to Netflix in search of a good Viggo movie to get my day going, and one of the movies available for streaming was 28 Days. I'd never seen it, and I like Sandra Bullock. Everything seemed like win-win-win situation...boy was I wrong.
First of all, it took way too long for Viggo to show up. The first 20 mins of the movie consisted of typical Sandra Bullock quirks and jokes that failed to amuse me at 6:30 in the morning. Then there was this guy in the movie that talked with the bottom row of his teeth...you know what I'm talking about! Don't pretend like you don't know about that ONE person you know that whenever they talk you can see the entire row of their bottom teeth, and the teeth be all yellow or crooked. Well, 28 Days had a guy just like that, and every time he spoke I saw the yellowness of the bottom row of his teeth. At first I thought he was just really into character, because it looked as if this guy hadn't flossed a day in his life. Then I thought about it, and I'm almost positive people are able to bring floss into rehab. Rehabilitation Centers might deprive you of a good time, but they're not going to force you into bad hygiene.
Then finally comes the scene where Sandra Bullock jumps her dumbass out of a window and fucks her leg up. I guess Viggo Mortensen is supposed to be the guy who saves her from herself. He's her great white Knight in blue jeans, and he looked damn good when he picked her up and carried her back into the rehab center.
In my honest opinion, that was the best part of the movie. I knew Bullock's character would see the light and stay sober. She's the protagonist and is supposed to be a source of inspiration for folk going through her fictional situation. But the one thing that I didn't see coming was the lack of Viggo in Sandra's sober life.
Why??????
After all the flirting, kissing, ball throwing, and bad Santa Cruz jokes, she doesn't end up with Viggo in the end. The movie ends with that goofy ass smile she always gives, I guess to indicate that things are all good and everything will be okay. But it's not okay without Viggo. In fact, you're even more fucked up without him.
I don't believe in computer violence, but this is one instance in which I wanted to throw my Toshiba out of the window. I quickly realized it wasn't Toshiba's fault so I calmed down. But for real Sandra...don't play with me! Don't promise me Viggo if you're not gonna fully deliver the Viggo! tease.
Pretty sure that it's obvious I'm not a fan of this movie. It's taken me 11 years to watch this movie and to be honest I could have waited a lifetime. However, I will get my Viggo fix soon (as well as my Fassbender's). David Cronenberg has heard my Viggo cries and decided to gratify my needs.
Normally when I stop liking someone they turn into someone that I can't stand. Unfortunately, this isn't the case. Not only do I have to see this person on a daily basis, but we run in the same circle.
I wish I could just sweep this guy and my "once upon a time" crush up under a rug, but it ain't that easy. He is still really good looking to me and he knows it. However, he's good-looking to me in the same way that Johnny Depp is good-looking, he just is. I feel nothing for him anymore, but...(lol! My iTunes started playing the perfect song to describe my feelings).
Sorry had a little moment, but I'm back.
Anyway, I feel nothing for him anymore, but he believes I do. He'll say certain things to me or give me certain looks and I'll just want to go run and hide in shame for even thinking this person was someone I thought I wanted to be with. WTF was wrong with me?
In the course of two weeks, I've lost two crushes. One has gracefully moved into the slightly irritating yet still cute guy role, while the other one is the subject of which I write.
I wish I could go back in time and ask the socially awkward 13 year old Jessica what she did in situations like this, because it's been so long since I gave a damn about a crush gone bad. I simply don't know what to do, because I don't want to bring the bitch out. However, I feel her brewing inside every time he gives me that crazy ass Zoolander look that used to drive me crazy.
