The Best of Youtube...In My Opinion #1

I don't watch television. It's not because I don't like it, or that it's nothing to watch, but because I lost my remote some time ago and I honestly don't feel like looking for it. So to entertain myself, when I'm not working, I either watch Netflix or videos on youtube.

What I watch on youtube depends on my mood. Sometimes, I just have to watch that one scene from that one movie that I absolutely love. But majority of the time it's to stare at some beautiful piece of man meat. 

Here's a collection of the videos that I had to add to my list of favorites.

5) Warning: DO NOT WATCH IF YOU HAVE A FEAR OF SPIDERS CUZ THIS SHIT WILL HAUNT YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AND MAKE YOU ITCH LIKE CRAZY.

#1 reason as to why I'm always apprehensive about traveling to other countries. 

4) You don't like it? Go in there and wash the dishes...

families like this make me feel 10x better about my family

3) Jon Lajoie's Everyday Normal Guy

    This song takes me back to the days to NYE of 2008. Me, Merry Merry, and Marie laughing our asses off at the ridiculousness of this song before going out for the end of 2008. Memories.

2) All The Hot Ones Are Named David...

To be honest, I have no idea what he's talking about and I don't care. He's just so beautiful!

1) Wipe Me Down

There are no words...

*BONUS* Ms.Tyra spends 2 whole mins talking about smiling with her eyes. 

Does Anyone Else Hear The Whistle?

For a moment I was really excited to see that Emile Hirsch (remember him?) was going to be in a new movie...then I saw Matthew McConaughey. I like Matthew McConaughey. I like looking at him and I like laughing at him. It was just moments ago that I discovered that I don't like listening to him.

Is it me or does this man talk with a whistle?

As you can see, the wack ass video isn't playing so you'll have to click here to see what I'm talking about...if you don't then move on. I'm sure I wrote about other things that are much more interesting than hearing Matthew McConaughey's country ass trying to talk.

But anyway...

I swear I heard it every time he said something with an "S" or a "C". It's there I swear! It's like listening to Herbert the Pervert...

jacked from reelz channel

Feeling All 8th Grade & Shit...

Fake money, real plastic
Stupid cupid, fantastic
Queer thinking, straight talking
What you see ain't what you are getting
Fast loving, slow moving
No rhythm, but I'm grooving
Old feeling, new beginning
Superficial expectations

Damn Dave...That was painful

This commentary is hilarious...

Three Weeks of BDay Celebrations...

Don't be jealous of my boogie...

I'm a total JuJuBee

It's Surely Not The Trailer

Because this shit seems pretty lame. However, the main reason why I would even consider watching a guaranteed shit fest like Battleship is to look at the Skarsgard. 

I don't know if my loyal legion has noticed, but I haven't mentioned True Blood since it premiered last month. That's because I haven't seen an episode yet. Why? Because shit happened and that I'm still too pissed to talk about it at the moment. 

But watching this trailer reminded me that there are other ways for me to get my Skarsgard fix. He has been in other things besides the True Blood. There is this one movie where he plays a tranny who wants to set him/herself on fire. And if you got through that last sentence without scratching your head then you'll probably love it. However, after watching the movie I wanted to set the DVD on fire. I felt that it would save others from renting such crap...

Anywho, here is the trailer for the much anticipated Battleship. Apparently Rihanna is in it, but lucky for me she didn't she didn't spoil the trailer by popping her light bulb-shaped head onto the screen...Someone actually told me that I looked like her. I proceeded to poke that person in the eyeball. 

BATTLESHIP - Trailer PT by dmagianet

Baboons Are Evil

don't you just love the way he says baboons?

Where Do Crushes Go When They Die?

Normally when I stop liking someone they turn into someone that I can't stand. Unfortunately, this isn't the case. Not only do I have to see this person on a daily basis, but we run in the same circle. 

I wish I could just sweep this guy and my "once upon a time" crush up under a rug, but it ain't that easy. He is still really good looking to me and he knows it. However, he's good-looking to me in the same way that Johnny Depp is good-looking, he just is. I feel nothing for him anymore, but...(lol! My iTunes started playing the perfect song to describe my feelings). 

Sorry had a little moment, but I'm back.

Anyway, I feel nothing for him anymore, but he believes I do. He'll say certain things to me or give me certain looks and I'll just want to go run and hide in shame for even thinking this person was someone I thought I wanted to be with. WTF was wrong with me?

In the course of two weeks, I've lost two crushes. One has gracefully moved into the slightly irritating yet still cute guy role, while the other one is the subject of which I write. 

I wish I could go back in time and ask the socially awkward 13 year old Jessica what she did in situations like this, because it's been so long since I gave a damn about a crush gone bad. I simply don't know what to do, because I don't want to bring the bitch out. However, I feel her brewing inside every time he gives me that crazy ass Zoolander look that used to drive me crazy. 

I Love Qaadir!!!

Busted Rusted and Crusted:

Who Ate My Dom Food?

Where's My Money?

Don't be offended...

Yay!!!

Well I let this one sneak up on me. 

Season 15 of South Park is coming on tonight. I'm happy since I've finally found something to keep my mind off of missing True Blood.

Hopefully this season is as good as the last, because I don't want my love affair with South Park to end. 

WTF???

I learned a long time ago not to listen to celebrities. Majority of the time, whatever flies out of their mouths is either complete bullshit, lies, or just plain stupid. However, I never for the life of me thought that I would read what I just read over at Dlisted. 

Apparently Elle magazine was interested in will.i.am's love life, and wanted to know about what turns him on or off. Personally, I wouldn't give two fucks about what will.i.am likes or dislikes when it comes to women (especially since everything about his personal appearance makes my lady parts want to run for the hills), but since Dlisted posted what he said I decided to take a look:

ELLE: If you walked into a woman’s house, what one item would convince you that you weren’t compatible?

W: If she had condoms in her house, that would just fuckin’ throw me off. That’s just tacky.

ELLE: Well, okay, I could see if she had a candy bowl full of them on the coffee table. But if she’s got a few in a drawer, wouldn’t that simply suggest she’s health-conscious?

W: I just think, like, if you’re into someone and you guys get to that level, then that’s something you should converse about together and say, “Hey, maybe we should get some.”

Okay so let me get this straight. If a woman has a condom anywhere near her, she's tacky? 

I don't understand what is so tacky about making sure trolls like will.i.am have condoms, just in case something happens. I guess he is into the whole "let me get into her mind" game, so when it comes to that, they won't have to have to use a condom because they're so in love...wtf? Now that's tacky. 

With the rising cases of STD and teen pregnancy, I can't believe he said something like that; especially a man who lives in herpes' favorite city. Hell, I applaud any woman who is smart enough to protect herself. It clearly shows maturity and cleanliness. I'm not sure what kind of women this dude likes, but if that's the way he likes them (clueless and unprotected) then he'll learn his lesson. 

I love how he doesn't fully explain why he doesn't like for his lady friends to own condoms, but he goes into great detail about how he likes his women to own baby wipes.

W: Here’s proof on why people should have baby wipes. Get some chocolate, wipe it on a wooden floor, and then try to get it up with some dry towels. You’re going to get chocolate in the cracks. That’s why you gotta get them baby wipes.

If that ain't the most ass backwards shit. 

So owning a box of condoms is tacky, but talking about smearing chocolate on the floor isn't. LOL!

I am seriously convinced you have to be a fucking idiot to be famous. 

story snatched from dlisted

Who Needs That Prostitution Whooooooooorrrrrraaaaaaaahhhhhh?

Looks good...

"I can't believe this is happening again!"

Just checked out the new trailer for The Hangover 2, and I must say that I'm not impressed. 

I was with the trailer until Stu (Ed Helms or Andy from The Office) yelled out that line that every single sequel manages to push out of their actors mouths,"I can't believe this is happening again?" Ugh! No! Can we get a little original with the script? That's what was so cool about the first movie!

It seriously looks like the same movie, except this time it's based in Bangkok, and instead of a baby these fools came across a monkey...clever!

I know I'm complaining now, but I'm pretty sure I'll be in my local theater (on Memorial Day) watching all of the tomfoolery go down. Who knows...Maybe I'll be surprised.

Also, what's up with all the random displays of monkey sex? It seems like the whole world has gone monkey sex crazy.

Pick Up The Pieces...Pick Up The Pieces!

I Have Nothing To Say About Chris Brown

But check the guy to the right. His face says it all...

snatched from Dlisted

Little Miss Sophie

The Greatest Picture EVER!

SNATCHED FROM DLISTED

Kenny Loggins = Montage!!!

not a montage but I just had to

The language? Oooohhhh! It must be Italian.

War of the Gargantuas

I'm not sure about my loyal legion, but I grew up watching movies like Foxy Brown, Coffy, Cleopatra Jones, Enter The Dragon, Fist of Fury, Master of the Flying Guillotine, The Gods Must Be Crazy, Super Fly, Shaft, The One Armed Boxer, and Cotton Comes To Harlem. 

I would honestly sit in front of my television and watch these movies so much that I'm positive I know every line to just about every one of the movies listed above. 

Sometimes I find myself sitting at work humming the entire theme to Enter The Dragon or making the sound effects from Master of the Flying Guillotine. However, there are some things that I would love to banish from my brain forever. 

Last night while I was trying to fall asleep, I kept singing the words to a song that was in The War of the Gargantuas, which stands as the worst movie I've EVER seen. 

I still can't understand why in the middle of a horror movie, the creators of this film thought it would be a good idea for a musical number to be had, but it's there. I also can't understand how and why someone would write such a shit song to be heard by millions (I know I'm over exaggerating...hundreds), but it was written. I will also never understand why, at such an important time for sleep, I had this song stuck in my head, but it was there. 

I've only seen this movie once, but I still remember that most unsavory song.

Jimmy Fallon Thinks Marie Is Awesome

My former roommate Marie, I believe I've written about her before, is still doing her thing in LA. After quiting that shit hole of a cafe we both worked at from 2008-2009, she moved on to a pretty popular cafe in West Hollywood named The Blu Jam Cafe. She told me shortly before I left that it was frequented by a lot of well-known folk, but me still being in my "Hollywood is poison" funk, didn't give a shit. Now all of a sudden, I care. 

Jimmy Fallon was recently one of her customers. I'm sure Marie wooed him so much with her awesomeness, gun tattoos, and crazy hair, that he couldn't help but fall in love with this enchanting little rock pixie. 

Jimmy posted this pic of the drink Marie did for him on his twitter, and I'm very impressed. Apparently, Marie started to take her coffee very seriously. I'm loving it.

Congrats Marie, you're officially something like a big deal!