Don't You Forget About Me!

Guess who's never home to post on her blog?

Between getting shit together with my job (long story), worrying about jury duty, and actually having a life I haven't had enough time to write about anything. However, don't worry! I will be back.

Getting Ready For The Weekend...

Updates coming 10/17/2011

jacked from a fangbanger

R.I.P. Sharon Hayes

November 15, 1955 - September 19,2011

 

Life's Little Funny Moments

I was at work one day when a girl walked past me. I see this girl all the time, but for some reason it was on this day that I decided to really look at her. I noticed that she was a pretty girl, but her face was covered up with so many layers of makeup it was hard to determine if it was really her face I thought was pretty or something she just sort of created. I also noticed that she was tall with a very nice figure. It was obvious that she wanted people to notice her figure by the way she dressed (she actually wears 3in heels to work), and by the way she walked as if she were some kind of modern day Mae West. 

Any other day I would see this type of behavior as ridiculous, but that day I was jealous. You see, this guy I had a crush on always watched her. In fact, I think it was the highlight of his day to watch her faux-sultry walk and her extensions as they went by. And there I was with little to no makeup and my short shit stance just waiting for him to look my way. Of course I was jealous... it could have been a goat that walked by, I would have been just as jealous of that goat if he looked at it like he looked at her.

It was the end of my shift, so I had to head to the elevator to go home. I waited there at the closed elevator doors for what seemed like forever. Forever got even longer when I heard her foot steps behind me. I looked in her direction and there she was Mae-Westing her ass toward me while texting. This time I noticed she had on sunglasses...inside...sunglasses inside. Ridiculous, but anyway, she sashayed her hips from east to Mae West (PUN!) and played with her hair like there was some kind of invisible wind machine that turned this mediocre situation into some high fashion editorial piece.

Although my crush was now nowhere in sight, I still felt incredibly invisible. How could I compete with someone who mastered the art of walking and texting? Anyone who knows me personally knows that the only thing I could ever do while walking is breathe. I can barely change the music on my iPod without tripping, and if you send me a text while I'm walking you might receive 'OK' as a response regardless of the statement or question being asked.

So what was it about this moment that had to be blogged? Well there I was feeling low when she walked past me. Now let me remind you: I'm standing facing the elevators. Then *BAM* this MTV House of Style reject walks face first into the elevator doors. She flips out. She curses. She looks at me then back to the elevator doors as if we plotted the entire scenario together. With her makeup all smeared she says to me, "Weren't these doors just open?"

I could have died. Never in my 24 years on this Earth could I see that one coming. It was like Christmas, New Years, and my 21st birthday all rolled into one. Simply epic.


How can the fairy collective surprise the sin? There was no one there to witness this moment. I was a little bummed because whenever I trip, fall, or make an ass out of myself there is always someone there to document it and store in their memory bank. Of course! Right? But whatever, this made me happy. In fact, every time I see her I have to smile; because after all the makeup and the glamour she will always be the girl who walks into closed elevator doors. 

I’m Back and Beyonce is Pregnant

I’m sorry but I had to leave for a little while. However, I’m back!

I have received your emails and I would like to let you know that nothing has happened. I’ve just been crazy busy!

All this time I’ve been working! Working! Working! Like a crazy person to make things happened and it’s great to finally see everything come together.

I could cry! But I won’t cuz I’m no punk. So instead, I go shopping. And I can’t wait to wear my new boots!!!!!!!!!!

Another part of my happiness is Second City. I finally gathered up the courage to start taking classes at Second City. I’ve always wanted to go, but for some reason I never believed in my ability to write and was content with just working my bullshit job. Then one night I dreamed that I died. Nothing eventful happened in the dream. NO! My ass just died and I hadn’t done anything with my life that I was proud of. The very next day, I started looking at classes. All last minute and shit (typical me), majority of the classes that I wanted to take were filled, but I lucked up and found a class that would accommodate me and my current work schedule.

And of course I can’t go anywhere without finding a man to occupy my thoughts. This one is one of my classmates from my Second City writing class. I like him, but I don’t want to say too much because he might be reading this (he’s officially a part of the loyal legion!!!). However, I will say this, I’m having a lot of fun and it’s nice to be around him. It’s also great not to have to worry about what I’m saying or doing because he is just as silly as I am. It’s nice.

To wrap things up, I want to explain why I named this post I’m back and Beyonce is Pregnant! When I started writing this post, a tribute for Aaliyah was playing on BET. The day that I found out Aaliyah died was the same day I had tickets to go see Destiny’s Child in concert. I remember thinking that I didn’t want to go. It was officially a day of mourning. My idol was gone, but I went anyway. The entire time I was at the concert I thought about how I would have enjoyed watching Aaliyah on stage instead of that hollering Beyonce.

Is it just me or does this girl scream on every fucking song she sings. I swear it seems like if she's not screaming then she's forcing a whoa-whoa-whoaing lyric out. 

With Aaliyah, there was no hollering. She didn't even whoa-whoa-whoa. She simply sang. Then every once in a while she would let out a yeah-eeeee-yeahhhhhhh. Beautiful!

I don't know, but to me it's like Beyonce just does wayyyyyyy too much, yet not enough for me to like her. Don't get me wrong! I will bump a Beyonce song if I think it's hot. However, hot hardly comes and I'm always wondering about if Aaliyah was still alive would she even be relevant? 

Hell no!

photo jacked from Just Jared

It's Surely Not The Trailer

Because this shit seems pretty lame. However, the main reason why I would even consider watching a guaranteed shit fest like Battleship is to look at the Skarsgard. 

I don't know if my loyal legion has noticed, but I haven't mentioned True Blood since it premiered last month. That's because I haven't seen an episode yet. Why? Because shit happened and that I'm still too pissed to talk about it at the moment. 

But watching this trailer reminded me that there are other ways for me to get my Skarsgard fix. He has been in other things besides the True Blood. There is this one movie where he plays a tranny who wants to set him/herself on fire. And if you got through that last sentence without scratching your head then you'll probably love it. However, after watching the movie I wanted to set the DVD on fire. I felt that it would save others from renting such crap...

Anywho, here is the trailer for the much anticipated Battleship. Apparently Rihanna is in it, but lucky for me she didn't she didn't spoil the trailer by popping her light bulb-shaped head onto the screen...Someone actually told me that I looked like her. I proceeded to poke that person in the eyeball. 

BATTLESHIP - Trailer PT by dmagianet

Who Needs That Prostitution Whooooooooorrrrrraaaaaaaahhhhhh?

Looks good...

St. Patty's 2011

...

I don't have much to say about this year's festivities. My time out in Wrigleyville was filled with a less than stellar time among drunk frat boys and their groupies. 

I definitely have to find another spot for future St. Patty's celebrations.

To tell you the truth, I forgot most of the goings ons of that night, and I'm glad. 

However, I do remember getting into a shoving matching with a drunk dude and his unfortunate looking dance partner. I don't care what anyone says, just because music is playing doesn't mean that it's okay to dance at the bar. That's what the dance floor is for!

I also remember the movie Stripes being played at one of my many bar stops of the night. I believe it to be one of the weirdest moments in my nightlife. 

I know last year, I danced with a very happy fat ginger, but watching a techno remix of Stripes has shown that I have grown since that previous moment. LOL! I can't explain it with any other word except: RANDOM.

The highlight of my night came when it was time to leave. A very tiny man was sitting on the ground at the train station in Wrigleyville, while he ate a very big slice of pizza. I remember it because at that very moment I had wished I had a pizza or some White Castle. Neither were available for my consumption. 

All in all, the night was a total bust. I hope to have a better time next year, but hopefully in California.

Jehovah's Little Witness is Stalking Me

I have three days of vacation that I have been looking forward to for some time. All I want to do is eat, drink, sleep, and squeeze in some chores before I have to go back to work on Thursday. However, a decision I made over a month ago is starting to threaten my chances of having a most excellent mini-vacation. 

I wish I could have back the moment I answered the door for a Jehovah's Witness with two children under 5 in cute little snow suits. She totally had them there as bait. It had snowed something terrible the previous night and I thought she needed help. LOL! I was so wrong! 

I was on my way to work so she didn't stay to talk to me about whatever, so she handed over a book, a piece of paper with her phone number on it, and told me TO CALL HER IF I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT WHAT I READ. 

Needless to say, I didn't read the book, I think I threw it away when I got to work. I also no longer have her phone number...why would I call her? She wants to talk about shit that I have no desire to talk about. While I would rather talk about The Fassbender and his triumphant return to the big screen in Jane Eyre, she  would rather talk about God and other stuff that I could care less about. 

This shouldn't come as a surprise to my loyal legion. I have spoken about my dislike of overzealous religious folk in the past. The ones that push their blind religious views on me and try to call me a heathen just because I would rather believe in things like facts over the Bible. I'm not going to apologize for what I believe. I don't push my views on others, but I find that I'm always being pressured into believing in this tomfoolery. 

In the past few weeks, I lived my life like I normally have, then last week there was a note on my door. It was from the Witness, saying that she hadn't heard from me and wanted to know if I had read the book she gave me.

After reading the note, I thought: wow, that's a little aggressive. I had no intention of reading the book when she gave it to me, but I just had to be the good guy and listen to her unlike my neighbors. I laughed to myself, because this kind of shit always happens to me. Every time I'm nice to a complete stranger, they take advantage of me. It's like this, I've these bitches an inch and they want to run with a fucking mile. It's annoying, but I brushed it off; thinking home girl would get the hint.

Now here it is 2/28/2011, and this chick has shown up at the start of my damn vacation with another note. She's lucky I was asleep and dead to the world when she rang the doorbell, or else she would have gotten it something seriously. The way I have been feeling lately would have allowed me to go full force on her ass. 

Chick...I didn't call you. I'm not going to call you. I don't want to call you. Tell Jehovah that, however I'm pretty sure HE already knows. 

Hopefully by the time she shows up again, I have calmed down. And hopefully, my mini-vacation isn't ruined by this little glitch. 

Earworm Alert!