Life's Little Funny Moments

I was at work one day when a girl walked past me. I see this girl all the time, but for some reason it was on this day that I decided to really look at her. I noticed that she was a pretty girl, but her face was covered up with so many layers of makeup it was hard to determine if it was really her face I thought was pretty or something she just sort of created. I also noticed that she was tall with a very nice figure. It was obvious that she wanted people to notice her figure by the way she dressed (she actually wears 3in heels to work), and by the way she walked as if she were some kind of modern day Mae West. 

Any other day I would see this type of behavior as ridiculous, but that day I was jealous. You see, this guy I had a crush on always watched her. In fact, I think it was the highlight of his day to watch her faux-sultry walk and her extensions as they went by. And there I was with little to no makeup and my short shit stance just waiting for him to look my way. Of course I was jealous... it could have been a goat that walked by, I would have been just as jealous of that goat if he looked at it like he looked at her.

It was the end of my shift, so I had to head to the elevator to go home. I waited there at the closed elevator doors for what seemed like forever. Forever got even longer when I heard her foot steps behind me. I looked in her direction and there she was Mae-Westing her ass toward me while texting. This time I noticed she had on sunglasses...inside...sunglasses inside. Ridiculous, but anyway, she sashayed her hips from east to Mae West (PUN!) and played with her hair like there was some kind of invisible wind machine that turned this mediocre situation into some high fashion editorial piece.

Although my crush was now nowhere in sight, I still felt incredibly invisible. How could I compete with someone who mastered the art of walking and texting? Anyone who knows me personally knows that the only thing I could ever do while walking is breathe. I can barely change the music on my iPod without tripping, and if you send me a text while I'm walking you might receive 'OK' as a response regardless of the statement or question being asked.

So what was it about this moment that had to be blogged? Well there I was feeling low when she walked past me. Now let me remind you: I'm standing facing the elevators. Then *BAM* this MTV House of Style reject walks face first into the elevator doors. She flips out. She curses. She looks at me then back to the elevator doors as if we plotted the entire scenario together. With her makeup all smeared she says to me, "Weren't these doors just open?"

I could have died. Never in my 24 years on this Earth could I see that one coming. It was like Christmas, New Years, and my 21st birthday all rolled into one. Simply epic.


How can the fairy collective surprise the sin? There was no one there to witness this moment. I was a little bummed because whenever I trip, fall, or make an ass out of myself there is always someone there to document it and store in their memory bank. Of course! Right? But whatever, this made me happy. In fact, every time I see her I have to smile; because after all the makeup and the glamour she will always be the girl who walks into closed elevator doors. 

Monde de I'imaginaire

Since I've started this blog, it has always been my intention to share poems and short stories that I've written with my audience. However, I never felt this was the appropriate place to post my work. So after months of hyping myself up, I finally decided to share my work with the loyal legion. 

If the loyal legion is interested in what it is that I do when I'm not giving you all the details of my random ass life, then they can go to Monde de I'imaginaire (Realm of Imagination). 

I had to name the new site after something close to home. Why is the title in French? I've been listening to a lot of Vanessa Paradis lately and I really want to learn French. Also, I did write my first poem when I was in 6th grade about imagination. I don't remember what it said, but it must have been good since my English teacher asked me if she could have it. 

I wish I still had that poem instead of the faint memories of its title and content, but oh well. I guess I've been making up for that with the endless amount of notebooks filled with what I once thought was silently cluttered nonsense.

I will be sharing my work with the loyal legion and accept work from others. If anyone would like to participate in my newest project they could send their poems and/or short stories to Writerado@yahoo.com.

Oh and comments will be encouraged and accepted on this new page.

Jehovah's Little Witness is Stalking Me

I have three days of vacation that I have been looking forward to for some time. All I want to do is eat, drink, sleep, and squeeze in some chores before I have to go back to work on Thursday. However, a decision I made over a month ago is starting to threaten my chances of having a most excellent mini-vacation. 

I wish I could have back the moment I answered the door for a Jehovah's Witness with two children under 5 in cute little snow suits. She totally had them there as bait. It had snowed something terrible the previous night and I thought she needed help. LOL! I was so wrong! 

I was on my way to work so she didn't stay to talk to me about whatever, so she handed over a book, a piece of paper with her phone number on it, and told me TO CALL HER IF I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT WHAT I READ. 

Needless to say, I didn't read the book, I think I threw it away when I got to work. I also no longer have her phone number...why would I call her? She wants to talk about shit that I have no desire to talk about. While I would rather talk about The Fassbender and his triumphant return to the big screen in Jane Eyre, she  would rather talk about God and other stuff that I could care less about. 

This shouldn't come as a surprise to my loyal legion. I have spoken about my dislike of overzealous religious folk in the past. The ones that push their blind religious views on me and try to call me a heathen just because I would rather believe in things like facts over the Bible. I'm not going to apologize for what I believe. I don't push my views on others, but I find that I'm always being pressured into believing in this tomfoolery. 

In the past few weeks, I lived my life like I normally have, then last week there was a note on my door. It was from the Witness, saying that she hadn't heard from me and wanted to know if I had read the book she gave me.

After reading the note, I thought: wow, that's a little aggressive. I had no intention of reading the book when she gave it to me, but I just had to be the good guy and listen to her unlike my neighbors. I laughed to myself, because this kind of shit always happens to me. Every time I'm nice to a complete stranger, they take advantage of me. It's like this, I've these bitches an inch and they want to run with a fucking mile. It's annoying, but I brushed it off; thinking home girl would get the hint.

Now here it is 2/28/2011, and this chick has shown up at the start of my damn vacation with another note. She's lucky I was asleep and dead to the world when she rang the doorbell, or else she would have gotten it something seriously. The way I have been feeling lately would have allowed me to go full force on her ass. 

Chick...I didn't call you. I'm not going to call you. I don't want to call you. Tell Jehovah that, however I'm pretty sure HE already knows. 

Hopefully by the time she shows up again, I have calmed down. And hopefully, my mini-vacation isn't ruined by this little glitch. 

I Saw Tossed Salad Man Last Night!!!

Now when I saw him last night, I wasn't paying him or his buddy any attention. However, the situation looked relatively normal. They were waiting for an elevator at my job when I approached. 

Tossed Salad Man kept looking at me in a strange way, and when I got irritated I looked at him and I'm pretty sure my face turned white. It only took me seconds to recognize him. It was no sense in denying that I was scared as hell. I ran away so fast and unsmoothly (that's not a word). I'm pretty sure he knew that I knew he was Tossed Salad Man. 

The story of Tossed Salad Man is a horrible one. I don't like to retell it, but I'll watch it whenever I feel mischievous. I have to remind myself that if I get into trouble I might go to jail, and if I go to jail, I might have to do something that I really don't want to do. 

I hope I never have to see this man again. 

Even Chris Rock knows about Tossed Salad Man:

Tossed Salad Man has the same effect on me as Fleece "Booty Warrior" Johnson has on me

Why get married?

I work with married couples registering for much needed wedded items to fill their first matrimonial homes at a major department store. When I first got the job, people were telling me that brides are the worst in the world to work with; then I started to encounter one too many dreaded, verbally abusive, arrogant, asshole grooms-to-be. 

Just two days ago I had what seemed like a lovely couple register with me. Then came the tour of the home store when the bride-to-be asked a question about flatwear (forks & spoons). I didn't think it was stupid, but it obviously pissed the groom-to-be off so much that he called her a "fucking idiot" and told her to "use her fucking brain for once". At that moment, my body tensed up and I got flushed with rage. If she is so fucking stupid why the hell is he marrying her?

I, surprisingly, shut my mouth and kept on talking like I didn't hear a word, but when I looked back to the bride-to-be she was crying. I'm not sure if she was crying because of what he said to her (since I'm sure he spoke to her like that on the regular) or if she was embarrassed. I asked her if she was okay and if she wanted me to give her some tissue, she said no and told me to continue. So I did. I'm not going to feel sorry for someone who stays in that kind of a situation.

So why am I posting this? Because I'm angry. I'm angry that majority of the women I deal with would rather be married to an asshole than have self-respect. Is being married that important that you would allow yourself to be disrespected and abused verbally, mentally, or physically?

Which brings me to a bride who had just gotten married and wanted to purchase the remaining items on  her registry. I began helping her complete the registry, when her husband showed up and completely took over and told her what she should buy, how she should purchase them, and where they should go. I normally appreciate when a man takes charge (it's what I look for in a partner), but not in a way that is so over-bearing and abrasive that it's a complete turn off. The only men that I know who participate in such behavior are insecure men out to prove a point, and I absolutely hate insecure men. 

So anyway, to make a long story short, it came time to change the address on the registry, because like most couples they had now moved into their matrimonial homes and vacated their former pads. The bride wanted to change the address to the Chicago address instead of leaving the former Peoria address as the shipping address although she was still receiving mail and wedding gifts at that location. The groom, said no! because the whole process was taking a long time and he wanted to go home (why didn't he just go home in the first place? We were doing just fine before he showed up!). They started to go back and forth even after I told them that I could easily change the address on the registry. He yelled, "No!" And kicked her as hard as he could in the shin. After that she agreed that whatever he said was best. 

After dealing with some of these people, I am so turned off by the mere mention of marriage. It's situations like this that tarnish the once beautiful notion of two people spending the rest of their lives together. If this is what marriage is, then I don't want it. I rather be alone than someone's dog.

Oh So That's How It Works!

I have come to the realization that in order to get a guy to act right, you must move on to the next one. LOL! and all this time I thought being myself was supposed to be affective. BOY WAS I WRONG!

I recently struck up a friendship with a guy that just so happens to be beautiful!  I drool in his presence. 

I haven't done anything yet, but it is nice to be on friendly terms with someone I believe to be one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. 

He (let's call him Howard) works with me, so I haven't tried to do anything yet. I have, however, tried to wiggly my way into every possible situation I could that involves just Howard and I working alone together. So far it's working, but I feel competition...another co-worker (let's call her Dottie).

Dottie clearly knows I like this situation. I can't be mad at anyone for knowing since I'm a bubbly-giggling mess when I'm a round Howard. Dottie and her boss were the ones who told me that I would be the one working hands on with the newbie Howard (when it comes to learning about certain elements of his job), then all of a sudden Dottie feels a need to constantly steal Howard away from me at key moments of my demonstration/flirting for the dumbest reasons. Like cleaning up his work space because she doesn't want to stay late. What?

Dottie is about our age (22-25), short like me, with long hair, but no shape. I on the other hand...well I'm the most beautiful girl in the world (and I challenge anyone else to say it isn't so). However, I know he isn't going to choose based on looks but personality (if he's the kind of guy I think he is)...and no one laughs as much as we. 

Which leads me Moss. A former flame, who told me to have fun with my cats because I wouldn't kiss his ass and drool over him like I do Howard. I liked Moss a lot. He was someone in a totally different league than me so when he revealed that he was interested I was pleased. We were kinda together for three weeks until I didn't call him back after I said I would. I don't know what happened but dude totally snapped at me. I had no idea a phone call was so important that it would result in him letting me know that I was going to die alone and miserable. Wow dude really? Okay...

So one day, Howard and I are in the middle of our flirting session when Moss walks by. Not only did Moss walk-by, but he stared so long at the two of us having a good time that I thought his glare might burn a hole into Howard's head. 

Later that night, I get two text messages from Moss asking me how I was and if I wanted to meet up one day for a date. I had no choice but to say no...I wouldn't want to disappoint my cats. 

I'm amused. I had no idea that it took so little to get the reaction you wanted out of someone you once thought was so big. Wow! I finally get it! I see the light!

However, when it comes to Howard, I have decided to take things slow. I like him so much, as a person, that if this thing I'm trying to start doesn't work out I know we will be friends. 

I don't know what's going to happen, but so far I'm having fun.

It's A Blizzard!

So I decided to post. Why not? I haven't done it in a while, so let's get going:

I mentioned before that I went off on someone. Let me just say that I don't normally go off on people. I like to laugh at people who try to upset me, but this one particular person, who decided to test me, had it coming. It's a co-worker of mine, and before you all think that it's some young woman with no home training realize that this person is a grown-ass woman with two children of her own. I believe her to be a menopausal woman of at least 50.

Apparently she believes that I have been mean to her in the past few months. I don't think I have, and here's why: THIS BITCH HAS SNAPPED AT ME FOR THE DUMBEST REASON AND I HAVE YET TO SAY ANYTHING BACK TO HER...until recently.

I don't know what it is about me that attracts the crazy (as I have said before) but these mofos keep coming around like ants to a can of grape pop. I wish they would go away because they are ALWAYS fucking up my chi. 

I don't want to go into detail of what was said and done, but just know that she is now a person I no longer want to speak to or be around. However, I will go over what I don't like about her:

I hang out with people my age, because why the hell would I want to hang out with a 50 year old menopausal chick when it is my personal opinion that this woman should be at home taking care of her two teenage children. I don't like people who run away from responsibility (edit: LOL! look at the pot calling the kettle black) and she is someone who definitely someone who does the latter.

After a long day at work (and directing people to the fucking X-Mas shop for the 100th time) some co-workers and I like to go out for a beer after work...why does this menopausal chick like to tag along with us. I don't mind a group. The more the merrier! However, the more needs to be in fact merrier for me to enjoy myself. Another thing I don't like is a self-centered and self-loathing menopausal chick. When there is nothing to talk about other than your weight gain and lack of dick action...that's when it's time to put down the beer and ask for the check.

I swear this chick asks me every damn day how much I weigh...I don't want to talk about my short stint with veganism with you, and no! I don't care that you slept with a man you believe to be gay. That makes you the fool who won't stop talking about your issues and me the ear...I don't want to be her ear! I would rather hear my grandfather talk about his green toenail than hear this chick's voice.

OH THE VOICE! It's very loud and sounds like it has been deepened by smoking, drinking, and crying. It's unbearable! I'm embarrassed every time she's around me.

AHHHHHHHHH! I can go on and on about how I don't like her, but at the end of the day it really doesn't matter. She is who she is and you can't change an old bitch. However, I can stay the hell away from her until I calm down about the situation, because yes I'm still a little heated and every time I see her I want to give her a paper cut. SO VIOLENT!

I'm so tired of dumb old bitches

That is it! I give up! I'm so tired of trying to be nice to this bitch at my job. I don't get her. Let me see how to describe her...she's the kind of person that you hate to speak to but have to because you share a tight space with said person. She is the kind of person that believes that she is right no matter what. She is the kind of person that is very set in her ways and thinks that other ways of thinking are wrong. She is the kind of person that is very annoying but thinks that her annoyance is cute and funny. She is also the kind of person that is as ugly on the inside as she is on the outside.

I try to stay clear of her, but how can I? We share a tight space! She has already violated my chi earlier on in our professional career and I can't believe that I actually allowed her to do it again today!

TODAY! This bitch tried to insult my intelligence. I hate when people do that. Just because I don't have the highest level of education under my belt people try to make it seem as if I'm just hopeless and clueless. I know I'm not the smartest person in the world but I'm not dumb. She tried to make me look stupid and tried to make me feel as though I don't have a place in any conversation that she is a part of because I'm just not up to par with her thinking skills. She does shit like that all the time (shutting me out of conversations even though I was the one who started them) and it really pisses me off, but something keeps telling me to just shut up because things will get better. I'm hoping they do cause I'm about to slap this bitch.

Ugh! If the loyal legion only knew her! She acts as if she is the greatest female/person on the face of the planet. She feels as if it is all about her and no one else. It's so damn annoying I sometimes have to vision myself in a Yukon Igloo with no one around for miles and miles. Isolation would be best when envisioning your happy place away from her. 

WOOOOOOOWWWWWW! She just doesn't know, one of these days I'm just not going to give a fuck. Seriously home girl is about thisclose to having me go 2004 on her ass. And if you're reading this and you knew me once upon a time in 2004 then you know how bad it's going to get.

I Don't Work, I Shoe Shop!

Lately...I have been slacking at work. I don't do anything, but go on the internet and look for deals on shoes.The more I make, the more I would like to spend on shoes. I've bought two in the past week. I love them! If I could die right now and come back as anything I wish, it would be a shoe; preferably a Christian Louboutin.

I have bills and brakes that need fixing, but i can't get my mind off of my footwear. Maybe I should start a fashion blog, focusing only on shoes. Who knows? I just know I have to do something with the rebirth of my love of shoes. I'll keep you posted.