Well Sh#t!

There are no words...

snatched from The Frisky

I Saw Tossed Salad Man Last Night!!!

Now when I saw him last night, I wasn't paying him or his buddy any attention. However, the situation looked relatively normal. They were waiting for an elevator at my job when I approached. 

Tossed Salad Man kept looking at me in a strange way, and when I got irritated I looked at him and I'm pretty sure my face turned white. It only took me seconds to recognize him. It was no sense in denying that I was scared as hell. I ran away so fast and unsmoothly (that's not a word). I'm pretty sure he knew that I knew he was Tossed Salad Man. 

The story of Tossed Salad Man is a horrible one. I don't like to retell it, but I'll watch it whenever I feel mischievous. I have to remind myself that if I get into trouble I might go to jail, and if I go to jail, I might have to do something that I really don't want to do. 

I hope I never have to see this man again. 

Even Chris Rock knows about Tossed Salad Man:

Tossed Salad Man has the same effect on me as Fleece "Booty Warrior" Johnson has on me

I Think I'm Going To Be Sick

There is nothing I hate more than a cheesehead. They should be banned from life.

EWW!

Why does this always happen to me. I find something that I absolutely adore, then I'm punched in the face with disturbing news. 

Taco Bell, the restaurant I've been having a love affair with for the past 6 months, has been selling me fake meat.

JUST GROSS!!!

According to fitperez.com, Taco Bell is being sued for misleading customers and having them believe that they are selling them 100% real beef win in reality their "beef" is actually made up of wheat oats, soy lecithin, maltodextrin, anti-dusting agents (the hell?), autolyzed yeast extract, modified corn starch, sodium phosphates, other non-meat extenders (my cousin swears it's ants), and only 35% real meat.

What the hell are they feeding us? Is this shit even legal to consume?

Well I don't know about you but I'm pissed...I can't possibly go on.

snatched from  fit perez

Good Luck Chuck!

After damn near two years of being pestered by weird ass Spiderman, being sexually harassed by Zorro (he asked me could he be my baby daddy???), smelling nasty ass Superman's BO and bad breath, laughing my ass off at Iron Man & dirty Barney (he actually saved a bus full of people while I was there), and being stalked by Jack Sparrow #2! The characters on Hollywood Blvd are officially banned. I'm kind of happy about it since these people are by far the most annoying people you encounter in LA. If I had to spend a night with either Jack Sparrow #2 or a speed freak, the speed freak wins every time.

But according to Perez Hilton this is bad news:

Recently, the LAPD has been overwhelmed with a number of complaints from concerned tourists and visitors having been pestered and nagged for tips, after taking pictures with the costumed characters.

According to sources, the L.A. City Council has stepped in and “voted to ban the cartoon character business after receiving scores of complaints.”

The ban has led to 8 arrests over the past weekend and the LAPD says it will continue to enforce this when they "have the resources available."

Hmmm…won't this be putting a lot of characters out of work??

jacked from Perez Hilton and KTLA
When I first got to LA, I would get grunted at by #1 of the two Jack Sparrows on the blvd. It was weird but I never paid it any mind. At the time I was more focused on work. Then came the time I just had to see Kiefer Sutherland receive his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (so random!). On this day this is where I met Jack Sparrow #2 who for some reason thought it would be his mission in life to show up to my job everyday and order this nasty ass dish of soup that I  would have to serve to him while he would whispered sweet ass in my ear just as I was placing the plate on his table. Needless to say I was never flattered and extremely turned off. 

First of all his job was being Jack Sparrow for a living, a fictional character known for his ability to lie his way out of anything, his love of free rum, and he is also know for smelling of hot ass on both his body and breath. Jack Sparrow #2 was some dude that thought about nothing but being Jack Sparrow. He couldn't even read. Me being the nice person that I am, regardless of how I personally felt about this douche, decided to teach him how to read. And do you know what this asshole did? He proceeded to tell me how he wanted to fuck me. I don't know what it was about me that this guy just couldn't understand that I wouldn't fuck him even if he was the last man on earth with a diamond encrusted dick, but he couldn't control himself. I told myself at that very moment that I would never be nice again, especially to some creepy dude living at the pretty woman hotel with a job where he pretends that he is Johnny Depp. 

My experiences with these people weren't all bad. I met Chuck. In fact I was just talking about Chuck last night. He was my boy. To be honest out of all the people that I've met in LA, Chuck is the one I think about most. I wonder how he is doing and if he accomplished the list of goals he told me about. My mother actually met Chuck. She shook her head at my choice of friend but realized he was my buddy and I was happy. 

As far as this new law goes, I'm happy that people won't have to go through the same experience I went through with Jack Sparrow #2. But there is a part of me that feels bad since a lot of people are going to be out of work. That means no bills being paid and more people sleeping on the streets of LA. Hopefully some of those people will get it together and find something that will put them back on their feet, but for now I'm happy for the residents and tourists of LA. 

I watched this movie one night with friends, the hulk seriously breaks your heart:

Live Blogging The Nilla Rilla's Nightline Interview

Alright Alright Alright Alright! Let the live blog posts begin:

1. Damn he thought Sandra Bullock was a bitch, well look at the pot calling the kettle black!
2. Why didn't Sandra just keep telling that mofo no!??? Always follow your first mind.
3. LAWD there goes that yup!
4. I don't know about the rest of the population but I really didn't like Sandra Bullock's Oscar dress...
5. Why does this bish have a tattoo on her forehead? How can he find that sexy?
6. Damn I didn't know 5 women actually slept with this dude...gross
7. LOL! John Krasinski's reaction at The Golden Globes was classic!
8. Why does his voice sound like that?
9. Commercial...
10. EWWWWW Jesse has man boobs
11. Shit now I feel bad...I hate that.
12. Damn now he's crying
13. Okay wait now I'm confused so you wanted to get caught screwing someone else? Is he saying that he instead of continuing the cycle of abuse to his children he continue to did it to himself...I guess I understand now.
14. Why do they keep showing pictures of that inkblot?
15. awwww a baby for christmas
16. Louis James isn't a good name...idunno it doesn't flow to well
17. Yes Ma'am?
18. Why the hell does he keep saying squint? And why does he say it like that?

Alright, so basically that's it. I thought it would be more, but no just a taste of the crazy. You know I have to say, I think I understand James and his reason behind doing what he does, but it doesn't make since to me as to why he would endanger someone else's life with the whole unprotected sex thing. Oh well, I'm just a voyeur in this whole Jesse is a cheater scandal. It's not up to Jesse to prove shit to me. Oh well that made my night. Good night!

Gross!

I can't tell you how many cans of Chef Boyardee ravioli that I ate as a child, but I can tell you that the number surely decreased since I've become an adult. However, after watching this video, I'm positive that I would never touch the stuff again. I'm sure the Chef Boyardee people keep a clean factory, and this is just a freak accident, but this, just like roaches at restaurants, have convinced me to start cooking for myself more often.

Yes. I know how to cook. It's in my blood, and just about every job I've ever had has been in the food industry. So besides writing, cooking is my talent. And I guarantee you, no rats have ever shown up in one of my meals.

Sandra hurry up and divorce this dude already

Jesse James is contaminated with the nasties. GROSS! Why a man would screw something named Skittles is beyond me. I'm sure Skittles is a cute little nickname for scabies, which I'm sure this chick passed on to Jesse after their alleged foursome.

EWW! Right now even thinking of the name Jesse James makes my lady parts want to hide. Who knows what kind of power he has over women that make them want to go after him and change their name to some obscure randomly named object. If I ever fell under the spell of the Nilla Rilla (my name for him) I would probably be named the Choclit Hobbit...for obvious reasons.

But apparently the Nilla Rilla doesn't like my kind. There have been all kinds of reports of this Nilla being a Nazi sympathizer, of which I had to remind this fool that I was 100% sure that Hitler didn't like his ass, but I'm sure he doesn't care. He would rather surf on his swastika covered surf board and bang his tatted up Eva Braun than listen to me. Gross.

But whatever! I'm not the one with the jacked up name and hair line to match, so why do I care? Because I love train wrecks. They are delicious and so much fun to watch. If I could pick another celeb to go through the defamer process it would have be that annoying Kesha. What the f*ck is she? Is she a talker or a singer? I’m sure she was attempting to sing the lyrics to that God awful song, but I’m thinking she forgot them…I’m pretty sure no one wrote boys try to touch my junk. That was an ad lib sent from hell.

To end this post from the ADD section of my brain, I’ll begin with alerting my loyal legion of 1 of the Nilla Rilla’s enrollment into douche grad school, otherwise known as rehab. From my understanding only the douchies of the douches make it to this level and get worldwide recognition for their achievements. Mel Gibson, Rip Torn (goodness), Charlie Sheen, David Do-do head (can’t spell his name and no I don’t care to Google it!), and most recently Tiger Woods have all attended the Ivy Leagues of Douche Academies. I (the public) would like to congradulate (that's how it should be spelled for douches) Jesse James on his dedication on being the first asshole of the decade.

Picture stolen from tmz.com