Does Anyone Else Hear The Whistle?

For a moment I was really excited to see that Emile Hirsch (remember him?) was going to be in a new movie...then I saw Matthew McConaughey. I like Matthew McConaughey. I like looking at him and I like laughing at him. It was just moments ago that I discovered that I don't like listening to him.

Is it me or does this man talk with a whistle?

As you can see, the wack ass video isn't playing so you'll have to click here to see what I'm talking about...if you don't then move on. I'm sure I wrote about other things that are much more interesting than hearing Matthew McConaughey's country ass trying to talk.

But anyway...

I swear I heard it every time he said something with an "S" or a "C". It's there I swear! It's like listening to Herbert the Pervert...

jacked from reelz channel

Damn Dave...That was painful

This commentary is hilarious...

Where Do Crushes Go When They Die?

Normally when I stop liking someone they turn into someone that I can't stand. Unfortunately, this isn't the case. Not only do I have to see this person on a daily basis, but we run in the same circle. 

I wish I could just sweep this guy and my "once upon a time" crush up under a rug, but it ain't that easy. He is still really good looking to me and he knows it. However, he's good-looking to me in the same way that Johnny Depp is good-looking, he just is. I feel nothing for him anymore, but...(lol! My iTunes started playing the perfect song to describe my feelings). 

Sorry had a little moment, but I'm back.

Anyway, I feel nothing for him anymore, but he believes I do. He'll say certain things to me or give me certain looks and I'll just want to go run and hide in shame for even thinking this person was someone I thought I wanted to be with. WTF was wrong with me?

In the course of two weeks, I've lost two crushes. One has gracefully moved into the slightly irritating yet still cute guy role, while the other one is the subject of which I write. 

I wish I could go back in time and ask the socially awkward 13 year old Jessica what she did in situations like this, because it's been so long since I gave a damn about a crush gone bad. I simply don't know what to do, because I don't want to bring the bitch out. However, I feel her brewing inside every time he gives me that crazy ass Zoolander look that used to drive me crazy. 

This Is Exactly How I Felt When The Bulls Lost

But for real, I never knew hockey was that serious...

What The Hell Is This?

I don't live under a rock. I knew this mess was fake. However, I was naive to believe that it would be funny.

I'm sitting here angry at myself for watching 55 minutes of this shit and still not knowing what the hell is going on. 

I'm officially placing myself in time out for the rest of the day. Maybe I'll actually do something productive with my time away from my computer, because the last 55 minutes of my life should motivate me to do such a thing. 

I'll see you in the morning. 

WTF???

I learned a long time ago not to listen to celebrities. Majority of the time, whatever flies out of their mouths is either complete bullshit, lies, or just plain stupid. However, I never for the life of me thought that I would read what I just read over at Dlisted. 

Apparently Elle magazine was interested in will.i.am's love life, and wanted to know about what turns him on or off. Personally, I wouldn't give two fucks about what will.i.am likes or dislikes when it comes to women (especially since everything about his personal appearance makes my lady parts want to run for the hills), but since Dlisted posted what he said I decided to take a look:

ELLE: If you walked into a woman’s house, what one item would convince you that you weren’t compatible?

W: If she had condoms in her house, that would just fuckin’ throw me off. That’s just tacky.

ELLE: Well, okay, I could see if she had a candy bowl full of them on the coffee table. But if she’s got a few in a drawer, wouldn’t that simply suggest she’s health-conscious?

W: I just think, like, if you’re into someone and you guys get to that level, then that’s something you should converse about together and say, “Hey, maybe we should get some.”

Okay so let me get this straight. If a woman has a condom anywhere near her, she's tacky? 

I don't understand what is so tacky about making sure trolls like will.i.am have condoms, just in case something happens. I guess he is into the whole "let me get into her mind" game, so when it comes to that, they won't have to have to use a condom because they're so in love...wtf? Now that's tacky. 

With the rising cases of STD and teen pregnancy, I can't believe he said something like that; especially a man who lives in herpes' favorite city. Hell, I applaud any woman who is smart enough to protect herself. It clearly shows maturity and cleanliness. I'm not sure what kind of women this dude likes, but if that's the way he likes them (clueless and unprotected) then he'll learn his lesson. 

I love how he doesn't fully explain why he doesn't like for his lady friends to own condoms, but he goes into great detail about how he likes his women to own baby wipes.

W: Here’s proof on why people should have baby wipes. Get some chocolate, wipe it on a wooden floor, and then try to get it up with some dry towels. You’re going to get chocolate in the cracks. That’s why you gotta get them baby wipes.

If that ain't the most ass backwards shit. 

So owning a box of condoms is tacky, but talking about smearing chocolate on the floor isn't. LOL!

I am seriously convinced you have to be a fucking idiot to be famous. 

story snatched from dlisted

Never Again...

After the last time I went to see a Tyler Perry as Madea movie, I told myself that I would never put myself through that shit again. Now here I am, wishing I could sue Tyler Perry for the hour thirty that I wasted in the theater looking at that God awfulness. 

Whenever I go to the theater, I clear my mind and tell myself that I'm going to have a good time regardless of how things end. The only time I had a good time (or a good laugh) was at the expense of Bow Wow's ridiculous brow movements that I'm sure he and his yes people considered "great" acting. Needless to say, myself did not have a good time.

There are so many reason as to why I considered this movie a piece of shit, but I will only list one. The fucking plot. Where was it? What was it? Oh that was it? OK! TP you can definitely do better next time...on second thought don't even try it. 

Seriously! How many movies has this man written? And he still can't write a freakin script? For real Tyler, get some help. Email me (writerado@yahoo.com) if you want some tips.

And is it me or does every TP movie have an issue with some form of child rape or molestation? Can we say obsessed? What ever the case, I just want to say, I get it Tyler. We all face challenges, but these challenges and issues differ. Not everyone in your audience wants to think about child molestation or rape while watching a comedy. You can't drop the R-word on me one second and throw Maury Povich at me in the next. Either make a comedy or a drama...enough with the double stuff!

It's a real shame that I want to keep going and going with the many things that I found wrong with this movie. I'm being real nice by stopping here and not mentioning how uninteresting the Old Spice Guy was with his shirt on. For real? Was he really necessary?

Tyler...I have given you way too many chances. Like Michael said, this is it! You will never get another dime out of me.

I Have Nothing To Say About Chris Brown

But check the guy to the right. His face says it all...

snatched from Dlisted

Dumb Bitch Talk From The Frisky

I was over at The Frisky when I came across this story. It's about a young American woman who met a man via Myspace while she was living in London. The man told her she had a pretty smile and three weeks later her thirsty ass was on a train to Manchester to meet him. During that trip, she discovered that he wasn't crazy, but short and skinny. Despite his frail appearance she still wanted to sleep with him and was disappointed when he turned her offer down. Her disappointment turned into admiration when she realized that not every man wants to sleep with a woman after their first date, and that this man wanted to take things slow. 

Although things didn't go her way, they still kept in contact with each other. She didn't think about things until much later, but the entire time she would talk to him, he would never answer the phone when she called. He also wouldn't say much about himself, his life in Manchester was a complete mystery to her. The only thing she knew about his life was that it was very complicated, but she never asked questions out of fear of scaring him off. However, two months later she made plans to move out to Manchester to be closer to him. 

She lived three miles down the road from him, but never stepped foot in his home. After finally sleeping together, he tells her his situation via email... He still lived with his ex and their young child. Instead of leaving his enigmatic ass alone, she sympathized with him, and they continued to see each other.

What she understood about the situation was that he and his ex-girlfriend were seeing other people, but still living together for the sake of the little one...If anyone else understands that explanation then they deserve to be slapped. But whatever...She also thought of him as a stay at home dad, because this fool never mentioned a job. Again! Instead of asking him about it, this goof just assumes and thinks of it as sweet that he spends time with this child. However, throughout the entire story, she never mentions meeting this child. 

Moving on, her time in England was coming to an end. The couple was so much that they didn't want to separate from each other, so he asked her to marry him (I.E: did I mention she only saw this man on Saturdays? well yeah). While trying to get everything ready for her permanent stay in England, she basically spent every dime that she had. Then one day, just two weeks before everything was supposed to take place, he shows up at her door all beat up. Apparently, the ex-girlfriend found out about his new situation and beat his ass. What he said was that the ex-girlfriend broke up with her boyfriend and wanted to get back with him. That's when it dawns on this goofy bitch to ask him if he and the ex-girlfriend were still sleeping together. His answer was basically yes, even though he told her majority of the time he slept on the couch or she slept at her boyfriend's. And that's when she said she "hit the road"...

Is she for real? It took all of that for her to move on!

I'm sure anyone reading this can determine how I feel about this situation, so I'm not going to go into detail about how my brain felt like exploding and oozing out of my ears. I'll just say this, if you can't ask someone a  simple question like, are you still sleeping with your ex, maybe you shouldn't be thinking about marriage. 

In this age of rampantly diseased man meat, I don't understand why women don't ask that question from jump. The thought of sharing a penis is sick to me, let alone sharing a man with a woman who is sleeping with another man...GROSS!!! And to think, this woman wanted to sleep with this man after only speaking to him online for 3 weeks. If that doesn't scream DESPERATE! And anyone who knows me knows that I hate a desperation. I hate easy. I hate dumb. AND SHE HAS A BOOK COMING OUT? What the hell is she going to talk about? Other dumb ass escapades she had with other random, emotionally unavailable, European men? No! That book will never get a chance to scar my eyeballs. I'll have to pass on this one.

NO!

The power of the man meat can make a woman do stupid things. However, I'm thinking it was attached to someone who looked like a mix of Gerard Butler and Raoul Bova, and a voice like God spiced with Jude Law's accent...That's the only way I could explain why this woman lost her damn mind. 

Girl!

I really don't like shit starters.

The one thing that I really don't like about shit starters, is that no matter what happened in the moments leading up to the moment of conflict, the shit starter will make everything look like it's your fault.

Punk asses! Gross...

Recently, I had an encounter with a shit starter at a friend's party. I knew she was a shit starter because she and I had almost gotten into it before. She (like many other shit starters) clearly don't understand how to mind her own fucking business. The first time she and I had gotten into it, I told her point blank to get the hell out of my face. I didn't use violence, I used my words. Although they were aggressive, they got my point across, and she got out of my face.

However, I'm guessing home-girl forgot her lesson from our previous encounter and decided she had every right to interfere with an issue that had nothing to do with her. It all started with a camera phone.

I don't like people taking pictures of me without my permission. Now in a party situation, I normally don't mind, but when the party is fucking over, all cameras should be turned off. Why the hell you taking pictures of people as they're walking out of a door?

Anyway, that's exactly what happened to me, by someone I didn't know. I was already not in the best mood, so when that flash went off, I snapped. I grabbed the guy's camera and was getting ready to delete the picture, when this asshole grabbed me by the hood of my sweater. This move clearly made me more angry, thus inspiring me to break the camera instead. Just as I was about to smash that shit, "little miss mouth" decides she needs to speak up. My attention then went from the dude grabbing my collar and the camera to her.

My first thought was, who the hell is she? Second thought was, why the hell is she here?


I did not know her to be a friend of my friend, but the friend of someone I used to "know", and that I currently cannot stand.

All the anger I had built up inside of me came out on her.

I will be the first to admit any wrong doing on my part, I know I shouldn't take my anger out on people...but I really don't like this bitch.

I must say that I felt almost 100% better after going off on her and almost snatching her neck, but the events that followed forced my moments of 100% bliss to go down to a 87.

I feel kinda meh about the whole situation now. Since it happened just this past Friday, I'm kinda over it.

Hopefully, the next time I see the shit starter nothing will happen. I don't acting like that, but at least she and other shit starters know that I don't play games.

St. Patty's 2011

...

I don't have much to say about this year's festivities. My time out in Wrigleyville was filled with a less than stellar time among drunk frat boys and their groupies. 

I definitely have to find another spot for future St. Patty's celebrations.

To tell you the truth, I forgot most of the goings ons of that night, and I'm glad. 

However, I do remember getting into a shoving matching with a drunk dude and his unfortunate looking dance partner. I don't care what anyone says, just because music is playing doesn't mean that it's okay to dance at the bar. That's what the dance floor is for!

I also remember the movie Stripes being played at one of my many bar stops of the night. I believe it to be one of the weirdest moments in my nightlife. 

I know last year, I danced with a very happy fat ginger, but watching a techno remix of Stripes has shown that I have grown since that previous moment. LOL! I can't explain it with any other word except: RANDOM.

The highlight of my night came when it was time to leave. A very tiny man was sitting on the ground at the train station in Wrigleyville, while he ate a very big slice of pizza. I remember it because at that very moment I had wished I had a pizza or some White Castle. Neither were available for my consumption. 

All in all, the night was a total bust. I hope to have a better time next year, but hopefully in California.

Sorry Guys!

Your head will collapse
When there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself
Where is my mind?

Will post as soon as I can think straight...stick around, you'll never know what might happen.

This Is America...

Capital W-H-A-T-E-V-E-R

I thought I would be able to live today without bullshit. I tried to ignore last night boring ass Oscars by thinking positive about the good things that it brought to us: Kirk Douglas, F-bombs, Franco ass, Crying Christian Bale, awesome Helena Bonham Carter gifs,  and another reason to hate Anne Hathaway. But this shit right here... She's for serious. She really wants me to believe that she's a bad ass. Okay GAGA, you were "Born This Way". *snort*

What the hell is going on in this video?

This "Illuminate" product placement is really starting to get out of control. It's beyond ridiculous. Do people still care?

But all dumbness aside, when is someone going to tell GAGA to stop dancing? It's been how many videos, and home girl still doesn't know she can't dance? Someone needs help, and I'm almost positive Kevin Bacon is available. 

Girl, please sit down.

War of the Gargantuas

I'm not sure about my loyal legion, but I grew up watching movies like Foxy Brown, Coffy, Cleopatra Jones, Enter The Dragon, Fist of Fury, Master of the Flying Guillotine, The Gods Must Be Crazy, Super Fly, Shaft, The One Armed Boxer, and Cotton Comes To Harlem. 

I would honestly sit in front of my television and watch these movies so much that I'm positive I know every line to just about every one of the movies listed above. 

Sometimes I find myself sitting at work humming the entire theme to Enter The Dragon or making the sound effects from Master of the Flying Guillotine. However, there are some things that I would love to banish from my brain forever. 

Last night while I was trying to fall asleep, I kept singing the words to a song that was in The War of the Gargantuas, which stands as the worst movie I've EVER seen. 

I still can't understand why in the middle of a horror movie, the creators of this film thought it would be a good idea for a musical number to be had, but it's there. I also can't understand how and why someone would write such a shit song to be heard by millions (I know I'm over exaggerating...hundreds), but it was written. I will also never understand why, at such an important time for sleep, I had this song stuck in my head, but it was there. 

I've only seen this movie once, but I still remember that most unsavory song.

Well Sh#t!

There are no words...

snatched from The Frisky

I Saw Tossed Salad Man Last Night!!!

Now when I saw him last night, I wasn't paying him or his buddy any attention. However, the situation looked relatively normal. They were waiting for an elevator at my job when I approached. 

Tossed Salad Man kept looking at me in a strange way, and when I got irritated I looked at him and I'm pretty sure my face turned white. It only took me seconds to recognize him. It was no sense in denying that I was scared as hell. I ran away so fast and unsmoothly (that's not a word). I'm pretty sure he knew that I knew he was Tossed Salad Man. 

The story of Tossed Salad Man is a horrible one. I don't like to retell it, but I'll watch it whenever I feel mischievous. I have to remind myself that if I get into trouble I might go to jail, and if I go to jail, I might have to do something that I really don't want to do. 

I hope I never have to see this man again. 

Even Chris Rock knows about Tossed Salad Man:

Tossed Salad Man has the same effect on me as Fleece "Booty Warrior" Johnson has on me

I Think I'm Going To Be Sick

There is nothing I hate more than a cheesehead. They should be banned from life.

It's Complicated...And I Don't Like You

I really don't get the point in facebook relationship statuses, but since I changed my status from "single" to "complicated" there has been a big...HUGE improvement in how people talk to me. 

I barely talk to anyone on facebook. I usually post majority of my blog posts as statuses, and check photos of far away cousins. The only time I'm ever really on facebook is when I'm writing on this blog or when I open a new tab and forget to logout. And I hate when I forget to log out because for some reason I get these...people, who like to fb chat about the dumbest shit.

Topics: I had a crush on you in high school, you look good, do you have a boyfriend, why you still single, you know I love  you right?, I'm sorry for that time when we argued over that thing. 

Whatever, dumbshit!

So I changed my relationship status to see if things would change, and they have. However, there is this one fellow who just doesn't get the hint. Where most have gone on to bug someone else, he still lingers in a quest to annoy the hell out of me.

Once upon a time we used to talk. Then instead of being with me he began a 2 year relationship with a good friend of mine (JOY!!!). Since they have broken up, he sends me messages, and pokes me (who still pokes people?) everyday. It's pretty annoying.

I changed my relationship status to  maybe let this dude know that my life has gone on, but nope! Instead of backing off he sends me a message asking me who am I dating? Then he sends another one telling me that if he were my man then our relationship would be "complicated" at all.

I have yet to respond to any of these messages. I don't think it's healthy to respond to stalkers. However, I do find it funny that I'm receiving the attention I want from someone I don't want it from and nothing from the people that I do like and want to talk to. UGH! That is truly the only complicated shit in my life at the moment.

pic snatched from the frisky

I really want to cut my hair...again

I used to wear my hair very very short, and I loved it. However, it started to get a little too expensive to keep up. Since I've grown my hair out, people have told me that they like the style better and that it makes me look a lot older. I know I shouldn't care what people say about my hair, but it was nice to finally have people say that they liked what was on my head instead of asking me why I cut my hair in the first place. 

But now, I have finally had enough. Enough with the tangled mess that lies atop of my head. It drives me crazy! My hair is the longest I have ever let it grow and sometimes I think people are following me. 

The longer hair is low-maintenance hair, which is surprising because you would think the shorter is easier to manage. NO NO NO! With my short hair, since I don't have a girly bone in my body (except maybe when I scream and run away from spiders), I have to go to the salon once a week to have it done. A trip to the salon (my stylist and the only person who is allowed to touch my hair is Shantell) is about $90 plus tip, and remember there are 52 weeks in a year. So let's caluclate: 90.00 x 52 =$4,680 a year...tip and tax not included. I don't know about my loyal legion, but I ain't got $5000 to just throw away. So right now I'm loving my low-maintenance hair, styling it is completely free. 

So you see why I don't just go ahead and cut it all off! I have to sit down and contemplate, take all of these different factors in before I make up my mind. I wish someone will help me make up my mind, but it's a decision I have to make on my own. 

*le sigh*

I'm going to go wash my hair.