What The Hell Is This?

I woke up craving a little Viggo Mortensen in my life. I love him as an actor and he's not so bad to look at. So, needing a little Viggo every once in a while isn't a guilty pleasure it's a necessity. 

I went to Netflix in search of a good Viggo movie to get my day going, and one of the movies available for streaming was 28 Days. I'd never seen it, and I like Sandra Bullock. Everything seemed like win-win-win situation...boy was I wrong. 

First of all, it took way too long for Viggo to show up. The first 20 mins of the movie consisted of typical Sandra Bullock quirks and jokes that failed to amuse me at 6:30 in the morning. Then there was this guy in the movie that talked with the bottom row of his teeth...you know what I'm talking about! Don't pretend like you don't know about that ONE person you know that whenever they talk you can see the entire row of their bottom teeth, and the teeth be all yellow or crooked. Well, 28 Days had a guy just like that, and every time he spoke I saw the yellowness of the bottom row of his teeth. At first I thought he was just really into character, because it looked as if this guy hadn't flossed a day in his life. Then I thought about it, and I'm almost positive people are able to bring floss into rehab. Rehabilitation Centers might deprive you of a good time, but they're not going to force you into bad hygiene.

Then finally comes the scene where Sandra Bullock jumps her dumbass out of a window and fucks her leg up. I guess Viggo Mortensen is supposed to be the guy who saves her from herself. He's her great white Knight in blue jeans, and he looked damn good when he picked her up and carried her back into the rehab center.

In my honest opinion, that was the best part of the movie. I knew Bullock's character would see the light and stay sober. She's the protagonist and is supposed to be a source of inspiration for folk going through her fictional situation. But the one thing that I didn't see coming was the lack of Viggo in Sandra's sober life.

Why??????

After all the flirting, kissing, ball throwing, and bad Santa Cruz jokes, she doesn't end up with Viggo in the end. The movie ends with that goofy ass smile she always gives, I guess to indicate that things are all good and everything will be okay. But it's not okay without Viggo. In fact, you're even more fucked up without him.

I don't believe in computer violence, but this is one instance in which I wanted to throw my Toshiba out of the window. I quickly realized it wasn't Toshiba's fault so I calmed down. But for real Sandra...don't play with me! Don't promise me Viggo if you're not gonna fully deliver the Viggo! tease.

Pretty sure that it's obvious I'm not a fan of this movie. It's taken me 11 years to watch this movie and to be honest I could have waited a lifetime. However, I will get my Viggo fix soon (as well as my Fassbender's). David Cronenberg has heard my Viggo cries and decided to gratify my needs. 

This looks so good! 

Does Anyone Else Hear The Whistle?

For a moment I was really excited to see that Emile Hirsch (remember him?) was going to be in a new movie...then I saw Matthew McConaughey. I like Matthew McConaughey. I like looking at him and I like laughing at him. It was just moments ago that I discovered that I don't like listening to him.

Is it me or does this man talk with a whistle?

As you can see, the wack ass video isn't playing so you'll have to click here to see what I'm talking about...if you don't then move on. I'm sure I wrote about other things that are much more interesting than hearing Matthew McConaughey's country ass trying to talk.

But anyway...

I swear I heard it every time he said something with an "S" or a "C". It's there I swear! It's like listening to Herbert the Pervert...

jacked from reelz channel

Where Do Crushes Go When They Die?

Normally when I stop liking someone they turn into someone that I can't stand. Unfortunately, this isn't the case. Not only do I have to see this person on a daily basis, but we run in the same circle. 

I wish I could just sweep this guy and my "once upon a time" crush up under a rug, but it ain't that easy. He is still really good looking to me and he knows it. However, he's good-looking to me in the same way that Johnny Depp is good-looking, he just is. I feel nothing for him anymore, but...(lol! My iTunes started playing the perfect song to describe my feelings). 

Sorry had a little moment, but I'm back.

Anyway, I feel nothing for him anymore, but he believes I do. He'll say certain things to me or give me certain looks and I'll just want to go run and hide in shame for even thinking this person was someone I thought I wanted to be with. WTF was wrong with me?

In the course of two weeks, I've lost two crushes. One has gracefully moved into the slightly irritating yet still cute guy role, while the other one is the subject of which I write. 

I wish I could go back in time and ask the socially awkward 13 year old Jessica what she did in situations like this, because it's been so long since I gave a damn about a crush gone bad. I simply don't know what to do, because I don't want to bring the bitch out. However, I feel her brewing inside every time he gives me that crazy ass Zoolander look that used to drive me crazy. 

This Is Exactly How I Felt When The Bulls Lost

But for real, I never knew hockey was that serious...

What The Hell Is This?

I don't live under a rock. I knew this mess was fake. However, I was naive to believe that it would be funny.

I'm sitting here angry at myself for watching 55 minutes of this shit and still not knowing what the hell is going on. 

I'm officially placing myself in time out for the rest of the day. Maybe I'll actually do something productive with my time away from my computer, because the last 55 minutes of my life should motivate me to do such a thing. 

I'll see you in the morning. 

What Is Beautiful?

According to Psychology Today Black women are the most unattractive women on the planet. When I first read the article, I just laughed it off. I wasn't going to say anything about it. I just brushed it off as one of those dumb things that people say and that it really wouldn't go anywhere. Then I thought, Psychology Today...My cousin (a recent college grad w/ a degree in psychology) reads that magazine. My cousin, an African-American woman, (and did I mention a class of 2011 Bradley University graduate) reads a magazine that promotes the idea that not only are Black women not attractive, but are also significantly less intelligent than other races. 

After letting what I read simmer for a bit, I took my ugly and apparently dumb ass to Google to check out what the standard idea of beauty really is. Upon my research one of the first pictures that popped up and caught my eye was a picture of an African Tribal woman with a plate in her lip. Is that beauty? To some it is, but of course not to Americans. That sort of thing is too foreign and far too complicated for them to understand. Which made me realize that beauty really isn't in the eye of the beholder. It comes down to what is safe, and comfortable to look at. 

My thoughts were confirmed when I took a second look at my Google research and realize that the picture of the African Tribal woman was surrounded by pictures of blond hair/blue eyed women with welcoming smiles. I'm not going to sit here and say that White women or women of other races aren't attractive, because I am not Satoshi Kanzawa (the asshole who wrote the article), and I honestly don't feel that way. Although, I will say what I see as beautiful or attractive will not fit into someone else's definition of beautiful or attractive, because it's only an opinion and not to be taken as fact. Which is why I cannot believe that this once respectful magazine would publish someone's opinions and try to pass them off as fact. 

However, I will point out that I have noticed that this article is a part of the machine that is geared towards making women like me feel bad about themselves. It's moments like this that make me think about my childhood, and those days when I wished I looked like the girl in the magazine or the chick on TV. I didn't look like them but I wanted to. They were so dainty and perfect that there was no way someone like them would ever get called the names I was called. Now here I am, 23 years old, watching folk like Kim Kardashian and Angelina Jolie being praised for things I was tortured for having. 

I really don't understand why Psychology Today would publish something so blatantly offensive. I'm guessing since people say print is dead, this is their desperate attempt to stay alive. I'm sure their antics will work for those who agree with this mindless bullshit. I'm hoping that young women (of any race) don't read this article and take it too seriously. All women are beautiful and smart no matter what the race, and no one needs an article in Psychology Today to tell them that.

WTF???

I learned a long time ago not to listen to celebrities. Majority of the time, whatever flies out of their mouths is either complete bullshit, lies, or just plain stupid. However, I never for the life of me thought that I would read what I just read over at Dlisted. 

Apparently Elle magazine was interested in will.i.am's love life, and wanted to know about what turns him on or off. Personally, I wouldn't give two fucks about what will.i.am likes or dislikes when it comes to women (especially since everything about his personal appearance makes my lady parts want to run for the hills), but since Dlisted posted what he said I decided to take a look:

ELLE: If you walked into a woman’s house, what one item would convince you that you weren’t compatible?

W: If she had condoms in her house, that would just fuckin’ throw me off. That’s just tacky.

ELLE: Well, okay, I could see if she had a candy bowl full of them on the coffee table. But if she’s got a few in a drawer, wouldn’t that simply suggest she’s health-conscious?

W: I just think, like, if you’re into someone and you guys get to that level, then that’s something you should converse about together and say, “Hey, maybe we should get some.”

Okay so let me get this straight. If a woman has a condom anywhere near her, she's tacky? 

I don't understand what is so tacky about making sure trolls like will.i.am have condoms, just in case something happens. I guess he is into the whole "let me get into her mind" game, so when it comes to that, they won't have to have to use a condom because they're so in love...wtf? Now that's tacky. 

With the rising cases of STD and teen pregnancy, I can't believe he said something like that; especially a man who lives in herpes' favorite city. Hell, I applaud any woman who is smart enough to protect herself. It clearly shows maturity and cleanliness. I'm not sure what kind of women this dude likes, but if that's the way he likes them (clueless and unprotected) then he'll learn his lesson. 

I love how he doesn't fully explain why he doesn't like for his lady friends to own condoms, but he goes into great detail about how he likes his women to own baby wipes.

W: Here’s proof on why people should have baby wipes. Get some chocolate, wipe it on a wooden floor, and then try to get it up with some dry towels. You’re going to get chocolate in the cracks. That’s why you gotta get them baby wipes.

If that ain't the most ass backwards shit. 

So owning a box of condoms is tacky, but talking about smearing chocolate on the floor isn't. LOL!

I am seriously convinced you have to be a fucking idiot to be famous. 

story snatched from dlisted

Never Again...

After the last time I went to see a Tyler Perry as Madea movie, I told myself that I would never put myself through that shit again. Now here I am, wishing I could sue Tyler Perry for the hour thirty that I wasted in the theater looking at that God awfulness. 

Whenever I go to the theater, I clear my mind and tell myself that I'm going to have a good time regardless of how things end. The only time I had a good time (or a good laugh) was at the expense of Bow Wow's ridiculous brow movements that I'm sure he and his yes people considered "great" acting. Needless to say, myself did not have a good time.

There are so many reason as to why I considered this movie a piece of shit, but I will only list one. The fucking plot. Where was it? What was it? Oh that was it? OK! TP you can definitely do better next time...on second thought don't even try it. 

Seriously! How many movies has this man written? And he still can't write a freakin script? For real Tyler, get some help. Email me (writerado@yahoo.com) if you want some tips.

And is it me or does every TP movie have an issue with some form of child rape or molestation? Can we say obsessed? What ever the case, I just want to say, I get it Tyler. We all face challenges, but these challenges and issues differ. Not everyone in your audience wants to think about child molestation or rape while watching a comedy. You can't drop the R-word on me one second and throw Maury Povich at me in the next. Either make a comedy or a drama...enough with the double stuff!

It's a real shame that I want to keep going and going with the many things that I found wrong with this movie. I'm being real nice by stopping here and not mentioning how uninteresting the Old Spice Guy was with his shirt on. For real? Was he really necessary?

Tyler...I have given you way too many chances. Like Michael said, this is it! You will never get another dime out of me.

Does Anyone Else See The Monkey Sex?

my reaction @ 3:52:

My verdict: I love this song, but this is one weird ass video.

Dumb Bitch Talk From The Frisky

I was over at The Frisky when I came across this story. It's about a young American woman who met a man via Myspace while she was living in London. The man told her she had a pretty smile and three weeks later her thirsty ass was on a train to Manchester to meet him. During that trip, she discovered that he wasn't crazy, but short and skinny. Despite his frail appearance she still wanted to sleep with him and was disappointed when he turned her offer down. Her disappointment turned into admiration when she realized that not every man wants to sleep with a woman after their first date, and that this man wanted to take things slow. 

Although things didn't go her way, they still kept in contact with each other. She didn't think about things until much later, but the entire time she would talk to him, he would never answer the phone when she called. He also wouldn't say much about himself, his life in Manchester was a complete mystery to her. The only thing she knew about his life was that it was very complicated, but she never asked questions out of fear of scaring him off. However, two months later she made plans to move out to Manchester to be closer to him. 

She lived three miles down the road from him, but never stepped foot in his home. After finally sleeping together, he tells her his situation via email... He still lived with his ex and their young child. Instead of leaving his enigmatic ass alone, she sympathized with him, and they continued to see each other.

What she understood about the situation was that he and his ex-girlfriend were seeing other people, but still living together for the sake of the little one...If anyone else understands that explanation then they deserve to be slapped. But whatever...She also thought of him as a stay at home dad, because this fool never mentioned a job. Again! Instead of asking him about it, this goof just assumes and thinks of it as sweet that he spends time with this child. However, throughout the entire story, she never mentions meeting this child. 

Moving on, her time in England was coming to an end. The couple was so much that they didn't want to separate from each other, so he asked her to marry him (I.E: did I mention she only saw this man on Saturdays? well yeah). While trying to get everything ready for her permanent stay in England, she basically spent every dime that she had. Then one day, just two weeks before everything was supposed to take place, he shows up at her door all beat up. Apparently, the ex-girlfriend found out about his new situation and beat his ass. What he said was that the ex-girlfriend broke up with her boyfriend and wanted to get back with him. That's when it dawns on this goofy bitch to ask him if he and the ex-girlfriend were still sleeping together. His answer was basically yes, even though he told her majority of the time he slept on the couch or she slept at her boyfriend's. And that's when she said she "hit the road"...

Is she for real? It took all of that for her to move on!

I'm sure anyone reading this can determine how I feel about this situation, so I'm not going to go into detail about how my brain felt like exploding and oozing out of my ears. I'll just say this, if you can't ask someone a  simple question like, are you still sleeping with your ex, maybe you shouldn't be thinking about marriage. 

In this age of rampantly diseased man meat, I don't understand why women don't ask that question from jump. The thought of sharing a penis is sick to me, let alone sharing a man with a woman who is sleeping with another man...GROSS!!! And to think, this woman wanted to sleep with this man after only speaking to him online for 3 weeks. If that doesn't scream DESPERATE! And anyone who knows me knows that I hate a desperation. I hate easy. I hate dumb. AND SHE HAS A BOOK COMING OUT? What the hell is she going to talk about? Other dumb ass escapades she had with other random, emotionally unavailable, European men? No! That book will never get a chance to scar my eyeballs. I'll have to pass on this one.

NO!

The power of the man meat can make a woman do stupid things. However, I'm thinking it was attached to someone who looked like a mix of Gerard Butler and Raoul Bova, and a voice like God spiced with Jude Law's accent...That's the only way I could explain why this woman lost her damn mind. 

St. Patty's 2011

...

I don't have much to say about this year's festivities. My time out in Wrigleyville was filled with a less than stellar time among drunk frat boys and their groupies. 

I definitely have to find another spot for future St. Patty's celebrations.

To tell you the truth, I forgot most of the goings ons of that night, and I'm glad. 

However, I do remember getting into a shoving matching with a drunk dude and his unfortunate looking dance partner. I don't care what anyone says, just because music is playing doesn't mean that it's okay to dance at the bar. That's what the dance floor is for!

I also remember the movie Stripes being played at one of my many bar stops of the night. I believe it to be one of the weirdest moments in my nightlife. 

I know last year, I danced with a very happy fat ginger, but watching a techno remix of Stripes has shown that I have grown since that previous moment. LOL! I can't explain it with any other word except: RANDOM.

The highlight of my night came when it was time to leave. A very tiny man was sitting on the ground at the train station in Wrigleyville, while he ate a very big slice of pizza. I remember it because at that very moment I had wished I had a pizza or some White Castle. Neither were available for my consumption. 

All in all, the night was a total bust. I hope to have a better time next year, but hopefully in California.

Sorry Guys!

Your head will collapse
When there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself
Where is my mind?

Will post as soon as I can think straight...stick around, you'll never know what might happen.

This Is America...

The Greatest Picture EVER!

SNATCHED FROM DLISTED

Capital W-H-A-T-E-V-E-R

I thought I would be able to live today without bullshit. I tried to ignore last night boring ass Oscars by thinking positive about the good things that it brought to us: Kirk Douglas, F-bombs, Franco ass, Crying Christian Bale, awesome Helena Bonham Carter gifs,  and another reason to hate Anne Hathaway. But this shit right here... She's for serious. She really wants me to believe that she's a bad ass. Okay GAGA, you were "Born This Way". *snort*

What the hell is going on in this video?

This "Illuminate" product placement is really starting to get out of control. It's beyond ridiculous. Do people still care?

But all dumbness aside, when is someone going to tell GAGA to stop dancing? It's been how many videos, and home girl still doesn't know she can't dance? Someone needs help, and I'm almost positive Kevin Bacon is available. 

Girl, please sit down.

Well Sh#t!

There are no words...

snatched from The Frisky

I Think I'm Going To Be Sick

There is nothing I hate more than a cheesehead. They should be banned from life.

What?

Okay, so I love art. Not so much paintings, but music, movies, writing, pictures...and, okay I guess I love some paintings since they are also a form of self-expression.

Just yesterday, I got into a mini-debate with someone over the song Strange Fruit by Billie Hoiliday. I said that the song was depressing because of the content of the song, then I was asked why would the song depress me since it was just art.  My reasons for finding the song depressing were:

1. because of the content 
2. its inspiration (The 1930 beating and lynching of Thomas Shipp and Abram Smith in Marion, IN)
3. how the song was sang

As it always goes, I was told that I was wrong because as art, it isn't supposed to be depressing. What? Dude are you serious? It could just be me, but I thought (all this time, silly me!) that art was a self-expression that is supposed to get some sort of emotion out of its audience. I can be 100% wrong, but if art isn't supposed to stir up emotion then there really isn't a point in it at all.

Since I knew I wasn't going to win the argument with the clearly delusional, I just stopped talking about it and watched said person huff and puff at my disagreement. 

Seriously. For real? Okay, so the next time I'm watching a movie that makes me cry, or listening to a song that makes me smile I have to remember that I'm crazy. It's art. It just is. No emotion is supposed to be wrapped up in the consumption of it all. 

Get the fuck out of here dude.

Dear Friend From Lima Peru!

I don't care that you are an African Prince from a fallen tribe in Northern Africa hiding out in South America! Can you please stop sending me emails asking me for money? And stop addressing them "Dear Friend"! If you were really my friend there would be no need to ask me for money since you and I would both know it will be a waste of time. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Not Your Friend

SHUT UP!

"I feel like the Kurt Cobain of my generation, but people just don't understand me." 

This little boy has officially lost his damn mind. I hope he takes a seat real soon.

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